Insults & Comebacks

Dec 22nd, 2007, in Opinion, by

Achmad's Christmas Tips on Insulting People.

Achmad Sudarsono

Achmad's Christmas Tips on Insulting People

Dear Friends,

For this twin season of Idul Adha and Christmas, I thought I'd share with you a few secrets of the ancient art of insults.

We all need to let of steam every now and then.

What better way than insulting a complete stranger? What better forum than the internet?

After a long, stressful day in the Kampung waiting for your wife to get home from the rice fields, you can rip a few insults on some unsuspecting netizen, safe in anonymity.

The skill, of course, lies in winding people up and taunting them to the point they lose it, ideally going ballistic, through making stupid, even idiotic comments. Achmad has succeeded many, many times, Friend.

Firstly, it helps to maintain some semblance of sanity and intelligence. If people think you are simply insane or stupid beyond belief, they are less likely to take your insults and taunting seriously.

But you also need to appear infuriatingly thick at times. This, of course, prevents too much ill will by undermining the power of your insults.

Here are some general principles.

1. Name calling.

This is the most primitive and childish, but can be a lot of fun. In this post, some moron got suckered right in and fell for all the old tricks. More on this later.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but your pathetic cowardice in using 'anonymous' is possibly matched only by your chronic erectile dysfunction and inability to use a modern toilet. (You probably think we Asians only know how to squat!)

Response:

Let's get one thing crystal clear "Achmad' .. I am not your 'brother', you filthy little unwashed yellow heathen. Your name even sounds like the noise someone makes when spitting.

If it wasn't for "white man's rule" (as you so quaintly put it) you'd still be living in a mud hut having intimate relations with your sister and probably also having an affair with the village goat...Hang on, you're probably still doing that eh?

Get on your grubby knees you surly flea-ridden dog and praise the "white-man" for all the advantages you know have in your pathetic existence.

As for "white-man" exploiting local girls??..well go and tell their greedy parents to stop selling them into prostitution. Didn't think of that did you dickhead?

2. Make up wild, unfounded accusations.

It's best to avoid implying or outright allegations of incest, child molestation, desecration of religious icons. Some things are off limits. But borderline character defamation, especially if it's coming from a nincompoop, is fine.

In this posting from a year ago, I repeatedly accused Oigal, who seems to be a family man, of groping Blok M bargirls before drinking himself into a vomit-wracked stupor.

Perhaps you'd know that if you weren't lying face down and semi conscious in a pool of stale Bir Bintang.

That's what happens if your diet is basically Bir Bintang, chips and meat pies. First your body, then your mind goes.

I offer these thoughts to you as a gift for the New Year, my friend. With luck you won't chunder them up like last night's 'food'.

6:58 PM

and

You were obviously bent prone, slurping up last-night's Bir Bintang from a dirty puddle in the My Bar toilet at Blok M!

and

(In your case you'd have to sober up, pay the bar girls, and get a few VD shots ahead of time for the trip back through Medan !! :-))

In the same post, I pose as someone else, but call another poster, Steve-at-the-Pub, a "blathering imbecile," implying that he is a sub-evolved quasi-australopithecus (cave man).

3. Display extreme prejudices, preferably offensive ones, hidden in either pseudo-intellectual banter or polite comments.

Care is needed with this one, which is why I usually stick to insulting the entire race of "White Men".

That has a kind of faint, cafe-chic "post colonial" air about it and also would get a few nods from the addle-brained post modernists. Amongst earnest Western liberals you can often get a rise by implying that you think either Africans, Australian aborigines (sometimes called Kooris), are at a less evolved state than Asians.

A slight variation is the Pancasila or New Order trick combined with patronising Muslim sexism. This often works like a charm on 20-something Bloggers who think they're hip. These poor suckers may have grown up or actually had to attend the P-4 indoctrination so they hate it. They also don't like being reminded of what much of the real Indonesia is like so it makes them really angry.

In one case, I warned one Indonesian woman in her late 20s not to get "over westernised", and said it was un-Indonesian for a woman to drink and smoke. Finally I told her to "study Pancasila", and accused her Bule friends of being sex tourists. She got so mad she blocked my IP address and told me to f--k off.

4. Take stupid positions, backtrack, back peddle, and be completely unwilling to concede the point, whilst accusing the other person of doing it.

After repeatedly insulting "Anonymous" I then called on him to maintain decency and proper netiquette. His response:

WTF!!!?????

..."Try to keep your comments polite on this Blog. Mr. Thang likes to maintain a standard of gentlemanly decency, free from insults and innuendo..."

Hahaha!!! Are you for real you cretin!!????.. Have you re-read your own posts???.. hahaha!

Aaaccchhhmmad. You truly are slime of the lowest order.

I know your type well.. bitter and twisted, insanely jealous of whites, realising that you'll never amount to anything in your own godforsaken country.

What happened?..get refused a visa to come to Australia??...or perhaps a white man rejected your homo advances??. Deep down you really wish you were a white man don't you Aaaaacchhhmad??

5. Sabotage reasonable discussion threads by trying to drag them into a brawl of name-calling.

At first, this tactic worked beautifully in Indonesia Matters.

Friend, just a few closing thoughts at the end of the week. Soon I'll be heading for the hills of West Java on the back of my Vespa, ukuele slung across my back. It's time to head for those rustic places I love the most. I'll kick back a few teh pocis and perhaps slap the rump of a few passing village girls.

My brothers and sisters in the villages don't catch all my insults for they are simple folk. But it's a great environment to dream up a few more barbs.


61 Comments on “Insults & Comebacks”

  1. avatar iamisaid says:

    Achmad Sudarsono,

    NO no and nooooooo.

    I am not going to make any comment.

    Just in case you have not revealed all your arsenal on provocation.

    LOL

    p.s.

    Happy scootering and don’t get lost in the hills.

  2. avatar Dragonwall says:

    Unless they deserve it, you find insulting people to be fun and taunting them makes you feel good! Ah of course the ulterior motive is to woe them into a debate and see how they lose in the arguments. Ama strangers, Sadist lu………..

  3. avatar Anonymous says:

    Who are you anyway, Achmad Sudarsono? Are you really the person you claimed to be? I don’t think so. How did you manage to write flawless English? Unless you spent the last decade mingling with ‘bules’ I don’t think you’d have such as skill of writing in English. I’m Indonesian and pardon my English that isn’t as well-polished as yours. It seems like you are a ‘bule’ yourself???

    I’ve only found out about you in the last three days, but you’ve already really disgust me. You should stop stirring things up and makes Indonesian-Muslims people look bad.

    I am an Indonesian-Muslim woman, but I hate you to guts.. I always believe Islam is a peaceful religion, and I and my fellow Muslims are living in harmony and peace. But what you’re doing really could cause so much hatred towards Muslim.

    About your Christmas tips, I couldn’t care less of your tips of insulting people.

  4. avatar falcon says:

    Only an individual with inferiority complex compounded by negative upbringing will insult others. All these negative ions because of inferior surroundings are gradually build-up in the character. If one always feel inferior added by lack of any confidence, the individual will insult others because of it and no matter what. What do one call this type of individual?

  5. avatar iamisaid says:

    falcon,

    Only an individual with inferiority complex compounded by negative upbringing will insult others. All these negative ions because of inferior surroundings are gradually build-up in the character. If one always feel inferior added by lack of any confidence, the individual will insult others because of it and no matter what. What do one call this type of individual?

    I beg your pardon? Do you know what inferiority complex is and what character traits it produces?

    Your assay is rubbish!

  6. avatar iamisaid says:

    falcon,

    THIS is what inferiority complex is – going by your own example.

    falcon Says:
    December 22nd, 2007 at 10:36 am

    Only an individual with inferiority complex compounded by negative upbringing will insult others. All these negative ions because of inferior surroundings are gradually build-up in the character. If one always feel inferior added by lack of any confidence, the individual will insult others because of it. What do call this type of person?

    and….

    falcon Says:
    December 22nd, 2007 at 10:38 am

    Only an individual with inferiority complex compounded by negative upbringing will insult others. All these negative ions because of inferior surroundings are gradually build-up in the character. If one always feel inferior added by lack of any confidence, the individual will insult others because of it and no matter what. What do one call this type of individual?

    Going by your very own words

    If one always feel inferior added by lack of any confidence,

    You posted your response TWICE. Through lack of confidence that you would fail on the first submission.

  7. avatar falcon says:

    It goes the same from responding twice of the same. The end.

  8. avatar Achmad Sudarsono says:

    Anonymous:

    Firstly, Islam says we aren’t allowed to be angry with people for more than three days. I suggest you practice mercy and forgive me – as Islamic teaching says – for being an asshole.

    You say,

    I hate you to guts..

    Then, you say,

    I always believe Islam is a peaceful religion, and I and my fellow Muslims are living in harmony and peace.

    Well violence – or the lack of peace – even usually, goes hand-in-hand with hatred. Do you only want to live in harmony and peace with your fellow Muslims.

    Also,

    But what you’re doing really could cause so much hatred towards Muslim.

    I think you’re making the mistake of equating other people’s reasoning and observation skills with your own. Why just because one Muslim man (me) acts like a jerk would people assume all of the world’s 800 million or so Muslims are jerks ?

    Finally, Friend, as mentioned, I am no more, no less than a Ukuele player, poet, philosopher and pencak silat master. My English is far from flawless, just ask Ross…ha ha ha !

    Everyone:

    Anonymous successfully wound up ! Bingo !!

  9. avatar iamisaid says:

    It goes the same from responding twice of the same. The end.

    “‘where ignorance is bliss, ’tis folly to be wise”

    This is where it ends.

  10. avatar TheWrathOfGrapes says:

    The skill, of course, lies in winding people up and taunting them to the point they lose it, ideally going ballistic, through making stupid, even idiotic comments.

    Such as UFO technology and Mojopahit.

    😉

  11. avatar Aluang Anak Bayang says:

    TheWrathOfGrapes,

    Are you insinuating that the UFO technology and Mojopahit are fairy tales? Please enlighten yourself with this link – The Prophesy of Joyoboyo

  12. avatar Aluang Anak Bayang says:

    TheWrathOfGrapes again,

    Many believe that the time for the arrival of a new Ratu Adil is near (as the prophecies put it, “when iron wagons could drive without horses and ships could sail through the sky”), …

    I believe this is the UFO technology our Prophet Joyoboyo (pbuh) was refering to. Our turn to be the world superpower is near. I would like to continue but this is state secret; As a patriotic Indonesian that I am, this is all I can tell you.

    and that he will come to rescue and reunite Indonesia after an acute crisis, ushering in the dawn of a new golden age.

    The new golden age is the rise of the Mojopahit Empire. Australia, New Zealand, Malaysia, Brunei, the Philippines will all be reunited under Mojopahit. If you are an Aussie, be ready to vote for an Indonesian president.

  13. avatar iamisaid says:

    Aluang Anak Bayang,

    Ok, though this has nothing to do with this article “Insults and Comebacks”, however, I’m sure that neither Achmad nor others would mind me broaching further on the matter about Joyboyo/Jayabaya and his prophecies – since it has been already been mentioned above.

    Many believe that the time for the arrival of a new Ratu Adil is near

    During the symposium “Bedah Jangka Jayabaya” held by National Library of Republic Indonesia in Jakarta, these are some excerpts in July 2007.

    According to Soetarno, the rector of Indonesian Institute of Art, Surakarta,

    Jayabaya is known as the King of Kediri in 12th century AD through scaterred literature manuscripts and insriptions. Most of the writings describe the glorious and peaceful era during his reign. But the mystery is, did Jayabaya write the prophecy by himself or written by another author? because some of the verses is written in later Javanese, although most of writings originated from his era is written in old Javanese.

    Budya Pradipta, consultant of Javanese language, literature and culture ask everybody to be careful to discuss about Jayabaya’s prophecy.

    “The cautious and carefulness is needed bacause up until now we only know tha Jayabaya’s prophecy from secondary source. The original authentic Jayabaya’s manuscrips whereabout is unknown,” he said.

    You said:

    this is state secret; As a patriotic Indonesian that I am, this is all I can tell you.

    A state secret? And you can’t tell more? And the source link that you offer is Wikipedia?

    This is exactly how Wikipedia describes themself as:

    Wikipedia is written collaboratively by volunteers from all around the world.

  14. avatar Aluang Anak Bayang says:

    Dear Pak iamisaid,

    My response was completely within the scope of this article’s topic. WrathOfGrapes made a blanket reference of our beloved prophet, and I was merely pointing him in the right direction.

    The symposium held was a distraction to the Western powers. China knows what the American had in their arsenal, but does any country know what China had? Like Yellow men, Brown men belong to the great Asian race. We are modest people, we do not show-off what we knew, we will not divulge anything to trigger-happy Wests. I can only tell you that the prophesy of Joyoboyo and our UFO technology are interrelated. Once decoded, nuclear technology will be antiquated.

    Regards.

  15. avatar Achmad Sudarsono says:

    Aluang,

    That’s all true. But you missed a few opportunities to insult iamisaid a few times.

    You could have implied he was stupid for “misunderestimating” (George Bush’s word) your piece, called him an infidel for not understanding the Prophet. Also you could have said something like “arrogant White Man” alongside Yellow and Brown man.

    Just a few suggestions.

    Achmad.

  16. avatar David says:

    In one case, I warned one Indonesian woman in her late 20s not to get “over westernised”, and said it was un-Indonesian for a woman to drink and smoke. Finally I told her to “study Pancasila”, and accused her Bule friends of being sex tourists. She got so mad she blocked my IP address and told me to f-k off.

    Got a link there Achmad?

  17. avatar iamisaid says:

    My response was completely within the scope of this article’s topic. WrathOfGrapes made a blanket reference of our beloved prophet, and I was merely pointing him in the right direction.

    I wasn’t criticising you futherance of the issue. Please re-read my first paragraph. It clearly says that I am asking for acceptance from Achmad and the others that I, and may repeat it, I am discussing it further.

    The symposium held was a distraction to the Western powers. China knows what the American had in their arsenal, but does any country know what China had? Like Yellow men, Brown men belong to the great Asian race. We are modest people, we do not show-off what we knew, we will not divulge anything to trigger-happy Wests. I can only tell you that the prophesy of Joyoboyo and our UFO technology are interrelated. Once decoded, nuclear technology will be antiquated.

    Yah, yah, get real will you. You don’t need to aja aja bercanda with me. Like as though I am not aware of who the Indonesians are by way of their behaviour.
    Do you know that you impale your arguement by throwing red herrings into the discussion?

    Assuming that if you proferred USA and China as an analogy and that the rest of the world does not know about China arsenal, what has that got to do with a prophecy that even your own Indonesian gurus are circumspect about its origin and proof?

  18. avatar iamisaid says:

    Mas Anak Aluang Bayang,

    Dang! this block quote thing is going bananas.

    Allow me to correct the above and resubmit. Hope it comes off correctly this time.

    My response was completely within the scope of this article’s topic. WrathOfGrapes made a blanket reference of our beloved prophet, and I was merely pointing him in the right direction.

    I wasn’t criticising you futherance of the issue. Please re-read my first paragraph. It clearly says that I am asking for acceptance from Achmad and the others that I, and may repeat it, I am discussing it further.

    The symposium held was a distraction to the Western powers. China knows what the American had in their arsenal, but does any country know what China had? Like Yellow men, Brown men belong to the great Asian race. We are modest people, we do not show-off what we knew, we will not divulge anything to trigger-happy Wests. I can only tell you that the prophesy of Joyoboyo and our UFO technology are interrelated. Once decoded, nuclear technology will be antiquated.

    Yah, yah, get real will you. You don’t need to aja aja bercanda with me. Like as though I am not aware of who the Indonesians are by way of their behaviour.
    Do you know that you impale your arguement by throwing red herrings into the discussion?

    Assuming that if you proferred USA and China as an analogy and that the rest of the world does not know about China arsenal, what has that got to do with a prophecy that even your own Indonesian gurus are circumspect about its origin and proof?

  19. avatar iamisaid says:

    Yo Achmad,

    Aluang,

    That’s all true. But you missed a few opportunities to insult iamisaid a few times.

    You could have implied he was stupid for “misunderestimating” (George Bush’s word) your piece, called him an infidel for not understanding the Prophet. Also you could have said something like “arrogant White Man” alongside Yellow and Brown man.

    Just a few suggestions.

    I ALWAYS knew that I could count on you.

  20. avatar Achmad Sudarsono says:

    Patung,

    She took it off her website, but the woman was Miund on “English Part of My Brain.” Here’s the posting, but you were warned, there are profanities. I am, however, very proud of my work here. I’ll post another couple of the best responses.

    http://miund.wordpress.com/2007/11/09/f*ck-off/

    F*CK OFF!

    09Nov07
    I (like probably many other bilingual bloggers out there) have been receiving disturbing comments from a WIMP whose name I am too disgusted to type. And this is the time to scream again. Pardon my language, dear blogbuddies. This post is intended to be filled with RAGE.
    F*CK OFF BASTARD!

    What part of IP-Address BLOCKING don’t you understand? That means you are NOT welcomed anymore in this blog. What kind of stupidity envelopes your small brain that you don’t get the message? I am f*cking done with your snide comments that have NOTHING to do with this blog. So yes, I am banning you and will continue to do so. Don’t even bother to visit my blog if it’s too westernized and don’t you dare critisizing my BULE friends and saying they sleep with prostitutes all the time. You seem to know your way around the prostitutes, isn’t that a sign of how you REALLY UNDERSTAND that world yourself? You are NOTHING but a LOW LIFE SONOFABITCH who can do NOTHING but COMMENTING WITHOUT VALID UNDERSTANDING OF ANY MEANING OF THESE POSTS. I’m sorry, this blog is never intended to be read by MORONS like you.

    Yes, I mean YOU, Mr. Holier Than Thou Achmad Sudarsono who always think of himself as the most perfect being on planet earth. There, I said your name and this, I swear, would be the last time I mention you. Go back to your rotten warnet in the suburbs and STOP COMING TO THIS BLOG AND CALLING ME YOUR ‘FRIEND’ BECAUSE I DON’T ALLOW MYSELF TO BE ‘FRIENDS’ WITH BASTARDS LIKE YOU. F*CK OFF ASSHOLE!

    And for other bloggers such as Unspun who are patient enough to have this no-good sonofabitch lurking around their blogs, I salute you all.

  21. avatar Aluang Anak Bayang says:

    @ Achmad
    Javanese are true gentlemen, and we are calm and we do not insult. Any reader can tell that he is hyping up as I still refuses to reveal any more than what he should know.

  22. avatar iamisaid says:

    Achmaddddd, Achmadddd,

    F*CK OFF!

    09Nov07
    I (like probably many other bilingual bloggers out there) have been receiving disturbing comments from a WIMP whose name I am too disgusted to type. And this is the time to scream again. Pardon my language, dear blogbuddies. This post is intended to be filled with RAGE.
    F*CK OFF BASTARD!

    LMAO! you found your match there.

    @ Patung,

    Is her blogsite in your list of 100?

  23. avatar Achmad Sudarsono says:

    A beauty from Steve-at-the Pub, highlights in Bold.

    https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=12524668&postID=2582197270887658362

    steve at the pub berkata…

    This achmard/achmad (he/she spells it either way) sudarsono in his/her very first sentence calls me a “blathering imbecile”.

    Then goes on to prove my point for me. It WAS Australian & US military aid which was so quick off the mark. The only contention by achmard/achmad is which part of the Australian budget were the funds ultimately booked to?

    Gee, what a counter argument!

    Achma(r)d then goes on to term me a “drooling cro-magnon moron”, after stating that I get a “hard-on from the thought of soldiers with guns”

    Then in one of his/her alter-egos (or perhaps this time inadvertently his/her real name) achmard twice speculates that I may be “the missing link” states with certainty that I am “a moron of unparalleled dimensions”

    He/she then suggests that Oigal: Never gets out of a filthy Blok M bar, is perpetually face down in a pool of stale beer, exists on a diet comprised solely of beer, chips & pies, vomits each morning from excess alcohol in his system, before going into a toilet to slurp up a puddle of beer from that toilet floor. Before suggesting that before traveling anywhere Oigal would need to sober up and pay debts incurred to bar girls.

    Then achmaddy demonstrates that he occupies a parallel universe by suggesting that it is Oigal who has been making disrespectful comments and baseless insults.
    Achmaddy compounds his loopyness by stating that he is more interested in substance than personal insults. I am too bored with his litany of rubbish to go on with listing his every instance of personal insults & racism.

    Acma(r)d then has the temerity to demand to be addressed as “Mr.”

    (You can shove that demand up a pig’s arse, I am an Australian citizen and free, I call nobody “Mister” unless they earn it.)

    Such an arrogant, petulant & misplaced demand would actually be worthy of little Lord Fauntelroy.

    A buffoon is never addressed as “Mister”.

    Achma(r)d, you can argue with yourself over which arm of the Australian Government pays to support Indonesians, I don’t care, you are not worthy of debate.

    If you can prise yourself away from mounting your goat, you may choose for yourself a title from the following:

    Imbecile
    Cro-Magnon
    Moron
    Drunk
    VD Carrier
    Bar Girl
    Toilet Floor

    My favourite is “Achmad the Twit”.

    For not only is it apt, it denotes a remarkable degree of self-awareness!

    9:16 PM

  24. avatar iamisaid says:

    Achmad,

    @ Achmad
    Javanese are true gentlemen, and we are calm and we do not insult.

    Not your day Achmad, not your day.

    Take a Vespa ride.

    @ Anak Aluang Bayang,

    Would you accept a K*SS from me?

  25. avatar iamisaid says:

    Achmad,

    Question: Did you impart your art to siren too about Insults and Cumbacks like you just did here?

    HA HA HA HA HA

  26. avatar David says:

    Is her blogsite in your list of 100?

    Yes she’s 44th in the English list.

  27. avatar iamisaid says:

    Yes she’s 44th in the English list.

    Oh lordy! LOL.

    She sure has an “English Part of My Brain.”

  28. avatar Achmad Sudarsono says:

    In my defense, I duly f*cked off after she asked me to.

  29. avatar iamisaid says:

    In my defense, I duly f*cked off after she asked me to.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  30. avatar iamisaid says:

    @ Anak Aluang Bayang,

    Would you accept a K*SS from me?

    Anakkkkkkkkkkkk where are you?

    Now, don’t be shy!

    LMAOROTF !!!

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