Divorce Causes & Victims

April 10th, 2007, in News, by Patung

The causes of divorce, and adulterous women.

The main causes of divorce, says a report by the National Child Protection Commission (Komnas PA), are economic pressures (23%), followed by domestic squabbling (19%), incompatibilty (19%), interference by relatives (14%), violence (12%), adultery (8%), and sexual problems (3.6%). However these figures are based on only 109 cases.

Of the nine cases of divorce caused by adultery seven of these involved adultery committed by the woman. Arist Merdeka Sirait of Komnas PA says he was really suprised to learn this.

but that is what we found.

The divorce rate goes up every year, Arist says, by about 3%. In 2006 there were 3,000 cases of formally processed divorce in DKI Jakarta.

The main victims of divorce, says Arist, are children, the long term effects of divorce on children disturbs their development and they often are deprived of contact with some members of their family, both close and extended. [1]

  1. ↑1 tempo

18 Comments on “Divorce Causes & Victims”

  1. Andrew Says:
    April 10th, 2007 at 3:32 am

    It’s funny that some of the root causes mentioned here are not really root cause at all. How can domestic squabbling be a root cause? Adultery isn’t always a root cause in itself.

  2. Odinius Says:
    April 10th, 2007 at 3:52 am

    A sample size of 109 is going to give you a fairly large standard error, which means the results are really not generalizable to any population. Besides, in a country made up of a zillion islands and 33 (I think) provinces, how can a sample of 109 be representative?

  3. Robert Says:
    April 10th, 2007 at 5:14 am

    However these figures are based on only 109 cases.

    109 cases on a population of 240 Million makes this report almost worthless. Especially when you see there are already 3000 reported cases in Jakarta.

  4. Marie Antoinette Says:
    April 10th, 2007 at 9:57 am

    The divorce rate goes up every year, Arist says, by about 3%.

    Does Indonesia Matters know what the rate of divorce is at the moment? How does it compare to other countries?

  5. Parvita Says:
    April 10th, 2007 at 1:04 pm

    When a woman got caught having an affair, the man usually cannot forgive because of pride. On the contrary, men are “permitted” to play around and considered natural. And usually the woman don’t have the guts to ask for divorce because of the social status and/or financial status. Sad but true.

    The divorce rate goes up every year, Arist says, by about 3%.

    Maybe people are getting…..smarter?

  6. Yunir Says:
    April 10th, 2007 at 3:41 pm

    Dear Andrew,
    Interesting idea you have.
    Yeh, it’s probably Satan that is the root cause of it all.
    Or maybe, the Government!? How about religion? Or perhaps the lack of it?

    Dear Parvita,
    You seem to suggest it’s actually desirable for couples to get divorce whenever one of them commit adultery. I think this is not right. No matter who commits the adultery - men or women, divorce should not be filed solely based on that. Because the adultery was probably committed regretfully. Divorce is not the only solution. Sure, giving up is easy, but it does not necessarily resolve problems.

    In any case, divorce rates of most developed countries are sustainably high. But the agenda has now shifted to a whole new probem - Low rate of marriages. Soon, Indonesia too will probably have its problems shifted from high divorce rates to low marriage cases and also, the ageing of the population.

  7. Parvita Says:
    April 10th, 2007 at 4:11 pm

    Yunir: I’m saying men easily divorce women if the women commit adultry. But the opposite is not happening because women in this country fear for being a divorcee, or probably financially not independant. Or have you heard about, “I forgive him because I love him?”. Indonesian guys are so proud they don’t even want to marry a non virgin, even though if they are not virgin anymore.

    Because the adultery was probably committed regretfully

    Adultery is cheating. Cheating hurts the trust. If you cannot trust your spouse, what’s the point of the marriage? It’s a valid reason for a divorce. Why stick to a marriage that turns sour? Maybe somebody can live with a person they don’t trust, not me.

    I found out that in Pengadilan Negeri Jakarta Selatan, there are more women filing for divorce then men. Are they getting more educated? Or plain smarter? Know when the marriage is not working then just snap out of it to not waste time?

    This country sees divorce as such a stigma. It is one alternative for a sour, unhealthy marriage.

  8. Yunir Says:
    April 10th, 2007 at 4:58 pm

    Hi Parvita, I agree with you actually, with the fact that women are not easily capable of getting a ‘divorce’ as compared to men. This is because of financial depnedency on the men as you have suggested.

    Once women have been empowered, they are free to live on their own. Don’t need men to take care of women anymore. This is why developed countries are facing the problem of people not getting married.

    You siad:

    It is one alternative for a sour, unhealthy marriage.

    And you right. It is one alternative, but not the only alternative. I am not saying divorce is wrong. But the idea that it is OK for people to get married today and divorce tomorrow enforces the idea of individualism and undermines the significance of families. (I do not wish to take on the discussion on individualism here on this thread)

    You also said:

    Adultery is cheating. Cheating hurts the trust. If you cannot trust your spouse, what’s the point of the marriage? Why stick to a marriage that turns sour?

    On the contrary, if the guilty regrets his/her actions, the other partner should have the faith to trust that the regret is sincere. Give the marriage a second chance is what I mean. If things don’t work out, only then a divorce is probbly due.

    On a side note:
    Please don’t imply any progress of women or race as being attributed to “becoming smarter”. This is an extremely narrow and ignorant perspective of changing social conditions.

    thx

  9. Parvita Says:
    April 11th, 2007 at 7:50 am

    Hi Yunir, (I suppose you are a male judging from your name),

    Once women have been empowered, they are free to live on their own. Don’t need men to take care of women anymore. This is why developed countries are facing the problem of people not getting married.

    Once women have been empowered, they have higher bargaining price; they don’t sell short. They don’t need a men that will drag their down. If the man will make their life quality lower, why bother getting married? This is only natural. Even in the animal kingdom, the female chose the best male to conceive the best sperm. It is oh so natural. It is humans that do silly things for a thing called ’status’.

    Please don’t imply any progress of women or race as being attributed to “becoming smarter”. This is an extremely narrow and ignorant perspective of changing social conditions.

    During the 70’s women asking for divorce is almost unheard of. This is the life of a successful women in Indonesia: Finish school (don’t need to go too high) - get married-have children. THAT is the measure of success for a women, not only in Indonesia but probably a value that is being carried in Asia. Go to a kampong and if a 20 years old is not married, they are considered old maids. A woman, even though she is successful in her career, but if she doesn’t have a family, she’s not a complete women. Having a career is a plus. Having a bigger salary than the husband doesn’t count. Women are living based on what people think.

    Nowdays, we are exposed to lots of things. TV, internet, magazines, people are getting more information and the chance for women to reach the top is more opened. With this evolution, women are more independant and they have the same rights to work and be treated like their male counterpart. They make decisions, they have their own lives, they have the power to buy what they want, their standard of living and expectation became higher than what it is used to be. If adultery and affairs were tolerated during the past, nowdays it is not. Having a husband that only lays around in the house not working but spending the wives’ money is not expected. I would say (and hope) that women knows what they value now, that they are not just an object, and they also deserve to be served and treated with respect. If women back there are happy someone wants to marry them, women nowdays will think if the marriage will make her life less better than what they have right now, they won’t plunge into a marriage and will wait. Before, life evolves around the men and the children only. You don’t have to wait for the men to commit adultery, if the men only comes home, just watch TV and doesn’t want to communicate and talk heart to heart, demands this and that, that is enough to make the women to get out of the house. Nowdays, women dare to ask, “What about me?”.

    They now know that they deserve happiness, too. That is probably why women dare to file divorces because they might realize that they are not happy in their marriages. If mom and dad are not happy, children will not be happy.

    Don’t think coming to decision for a divorce is easy as flipping a pancake, it is mentally not easy, it takes long thinking (speaking of years living in a misery) and courage to get to that decision. You have to face the family, the neighbours, the surroundings, people gossiping. Things must have been so bad that they choose that road. Especially if children are involved, that must be one brave women to come to that decision!

    Look at the ‘big people’ above. How many men, ministers, DPRs, businessmen, past and present, that fools around and have mistress or ask for escort women when they are out on business trip? DO you hear the wives filing for divorce? Nope. They are either smart, or they don’t care, or afraid of their status, inheritage. Its their choice. How many women are hit and abused but they don’t dare to go seek help because they think that they deserve to be hit just because the coffee was not hot enough? And gave second chance, believing that “he loves me” and give second, third, forth chance to get beaten again? I feel sorry for them, I don’t blame them.

    Cheating? Do you get second chance at work if you are caught stealing files and information? Or misuse of the company facility? Not in my business. Cheating in marriage? I don’t blame those who can forgive and hope that it won’t happen again.

    So, Yunir, you might not like my opinion as a man. Women knowing what they want is one of the reason why more women nowdays have the courage to file divorce. They had a dream about being a princess by getting married to live happily ever after, the dream didn’t happen, and they move on. Nothing wrong with pursuing happiness. Life is too short to be sad.

    Life is gud!

  10. Ihaknt Says:
    April 11th, 2007 at 11:09 am

    I agree with P. Coming out and making that decision “that’s enough! I won’t put up with it anymore” is not as easy as turning your hand. The guilt, the stress, the sadness, the getting out of the comfort zone, the fear of the unknown can be unbeArable at times. Seriously, if Cinderella’s story continued, she wouldn’t be living her prince charming anymore, as we all know princes normally have many mistresses. And this goes for Sleeping Beauty, Romeo and Juliet, etc. They’re all fantasies.

    Are women smarter these days? Maybe. But I think women have choices these days. We have careers, we earn money (sometimes even more than our men), can make our own decision, choose our own way of life. People make wrong decisions sometimes (who hasn’t?), it is a pity if that happens that you marry the wrong person. Because it is a costly mistake, mentally and financially. It can also be physically draining! Things don’t really show until you get married. Love is blind, marriage is an eye opener. Many people also hope/expect that marriage will fix the problems they have when they are pacaran. Many find after that their expectations are not met, their partner are not the person they married, etc. I do agree with Yunir also when it comes to wedding today, divorce tomorrow, that it shouldn’t be like that. If one wants to split, then I believe it should only happen when every single sources of reconciliation has been tried. Councelling, couples therapies, etc. Sometimes 2 people are just better to be apart. In my view it’s better to have parents who are civilised and get along well although apart, then together in one house, but yell and be abusive (physical and verbal) with each other and build the negative resentment energies. Kids learn from what they see and hear. No one should live in this kind of situation, especially kids.

    Yunir said

    This is why developed countries are facing the problem of people not getting married.

    Yunir, ‘problem’ is not the right word. It’s not an issue not to be in a marriage over there. What the government is concerned about is the low birth rate. In Australia, they even pay the citizen to get pregnant.

  11. Parvita Says:
    April 11th, 2007 at 2:23 pm

    Ahhh, I love that, Ihaknt: love is blind, marriage is an eye-opener. If I have a daughter, no princess stories. Pinokio is the best.

  12. Yunir Says:
    April 15th, 2007 at 4:29 pm

    Hi Ihaknt,
    yeh… I agree that the ‘concern’ is of birth rate.

    But the concensus is that people get married first before they start to have kids.
    Having one child may not be a problem… but when it gets to two or three…. a strong family is needed.

    So in order for the issue of birth rate to be solved, the idea of marriage has to be propagated first. And some of this can be seen with some State governments that actually give incentives to employers that have pro-family policies.

    I agree that there are couples who are willing to have children without getting married. But this is the exception and not the norm.

    Hi Parvita,

    Once women have been empowered, they have higher bargaining price; they don’t sell short. They don’t need a men that will drag their down. If the man will make their life quality lower, why bother getting married? This is only natural. Even in the animal kingdom, the female chose the best male to conceive the best sperm. It is oh so natural. It is humans that do silly things for a thing called ’status’.

    I agree. You have mirrored my sentiments.

    Now, about your long argument to prove that women have become “smarter”, I also agree. Though, the reasons are definitely non-exhaustive. And I now see what you mean.

    But I think what you mean is that women have since gained financial independence and have also seen numerious options opened up to them. The word “smarter” is a bit too simplistic.

    —-
    Now Parvita, you said,

    So, Yunir, you might not like my opinion as a man.

    Are you saying I am gender-biased?

    When did I say, Women should forgive men but not vice versa or anything like that? Where did I make myself favour men over women in my statements?

    If you are not implying I am gender-biased, then, you should not have made the above statement. It should not have been an issue.

  13. Ihaknt Says:
    April 16th, 2007 at 5:49 am

    Having one child may not be a problem”¦ but when it gets to two or three”¦. a strong family is needed.

    Yunir, I half agree with this statement. Regardless how many kids, a strong family is needed. But of course, when you have many kids, the women tend to stay in the relationship even though they are unhappy. The reasons can be anything from financial dependence, social status, to thinking that they have no choice. But my point is that, sometimes 2 people are better off apart. Sometimes the separation may be good for every one. It may not seem that way in the beginning, but it gets better. We are all adults, life goes on. Unless of course one gets killed by the other. Personally, if I fought all the time with my partner and my kids saw it, I’d much rather live apart from my partner so my kids wouldn’t have to hear/see adults being abusive towards each other, because it’s just not a way to live. Not mine anyway. Back to your statement though, if the couple separate and they have 1 kid, I’d feel sorry for the kid, as he/she will feel lonely. Only-child tends to bottle his/her emotion when it comes to dealing with such issue. At least with a sibling they can share. Anyway, there’s no clear black and white when you’re dealing with emotion. Have you personally been ever through it Yunir? If you haven’t, I can tell you nothing sux more than this.

  14. Yunir Says:
    April 16th, 2007 at 11:34 am

    Hi Ihaknt, you have thus supported my earlier statements.

    It (divorce) is one alternative, but not the only alternative. I am not saying divorce is wrong. But the idea that it is OK for people to get married today and divorce tomorrow enforces the idea of individualism and undermines the significance of families.

  15. Tuan Tua Says:
    April 16th, 2007 at 10:30 pm

    The sample (109) is meaningless. It has about the same validity as reading tea leaves.

    What is interesting/telling is that most comment centres around infidelity. According to the ‘research’ it rated 2nd last to sexual problems.

    Ironic isn’t it - economic pressure was the top factor - almost 300% higher than infidelity.

    Not one comment.

  16. Dan Says:
    August 25th, 2007 at 9:29 am

    Once women have been empowered, they have higher bargaining price; they don’t sell short. They don’t need a men that will drag their down. If the man will make their life quality lower, why bother getting married? This is only natural. Even in the animal kingdom, the female chose the best male to conceive the best sperm. It is oh so natural. It is humans that do silly things for a thing called ’status’.

    This statement really bothers me — not because women are supposedly “empowered”, but because of underlying statement it makes. At the core, it says, “If men can be two bit lying sluts, then so can women…”

    The root cause of divorce is not because some husband or wife is being neglectful and therefore the bored spouse has to go outside the marriage to get his or her attention and “needs” met.

    How many abandoned spouses have agonized endlessly with so much regret and self blame because the abusive, unfaithful, deceitful, spineless, whore in the marriage let the faithful spouse and their children carry the blame???

    Truth is, divorce happens because one spouse chooses, and I mean, CHOOSES, to be a pathetic, lying, spineless, self indulging, cowardly, arrogant jackass and whore.

    What worth does the word or the promise of such a slut hold? None. There is no love of truth behind his or her promises. They only promise to get something, but they have no honor and it is only the fool who won’t admit to the obvious fact that there is no honor in such a person’s word.

    These people would destroy the very family and foundation of love they promised to protect for their own children, and yet they act incredulous when someone states the obvous fact that they have no real love for their children. It’s all a scam. A person who can scam his or her spouse with promises of enduring love can scam anyone including their own children. How can one know this? The marriage wrecking whore proves it in his or her actions in plain view.

    Oh, how we detest the horrors of child molestation, and yet for some reason as a society we tolerate abortion and the ripping to shreds of a child’s own family. How stupid! How self-contradictory! How hypocritical!

    One the one hand people who defend this slut-like behavior cry, “thou shalt not judge”, and on the other hand, they judge their children and spouse unworthy of kept promises and worthy to be discarded or deprived and robbed mercilessly. And, the rest of us who are hurt and left behind are somehow supposed to accept all of this with understanding and patience without a word against such stupid harlotry!

    Get a grip. There’s a darn good reason for a loving God to send some people to hell. Look at those involved in terrorism and the Inquisition and witch burnings and all of the corruptions that flow into the church from the paganism we have cherished and worshipped unreasonably for so long.

    And, yet no martyr having been torn asunder with hooks ever suffered the miseries of the child whose parents have begun to whore around on his or her marriage!

    I fear few know even the first thing about what marriage is all about. So many people claim the “right” to divorce for any reason at any time without cause. If that is so, then what does marriage mean anyway? When I hear the very words spoken in the common marriage, I hear all assurances given that the couple is wilfully denying themselves that kind of right with an oath to God before all society.

    I tell you the worth of the word of a marriage breaking slut is worse than worthless. It is downright harmful. It guides honorable people to turn their lives into a direction they would not otherwise follow without such promises. It’s a swindle. Worse than a lie.

    Oh, what about abuse? The spirit of adultery and abuse are closely related. Where you find a person leaving into an adulterous affair, you find a person who is abusive and unfaithful to the core.

    How many people have abused their spouses mercilessly, threatening to leave if they don’t get what they want, threatening affairs, threatening divorce, calling names, abusing verbally, slandering, and then upon going into an affair, they seek to bring up their own standing in the public place among friends and church by slandering the faithful and hurting widow of divorce left behind?

    And, the person who defends this behavior is every bit the whore as the person who indulges in it because they assert that they might do likewise given the same situation. Only the lack of that situation exists, but the heart is no different.

    And, what I find so offensive is that there is so little support for the widow and widower of divorce and so much support for the unfaithful and abusive slut of divorce. So much suffering is heaped endlessly upon the ones so horribly robbed and so little comfort and support and help is given let alone any kind of protection.

    This needs to change and it needs to change with each of us, and it needs to change now!!!

  17. Stephen Says:
    November 9th, 2007 at 1:32 pm

    Hi,

    This is an interesting discussion to me as I am a foreigner (bule) who was married to an Indonesian Muslim woman. I even changed my faith to Islam to be acceptable to her family. She was unfaithful to me many, many times and eventually I had enough and couldn’t forgive her any more. I tried everything to save the marriage and she just did not care, she said she needed her “freedom.”

    Even though I haven’t seen her for over a year we are still married. I have no idea where she is, her parents didn’t even realise we were separated when I contacted them recently. She hadn’t even told them (probably because of the shame factor?)

    I honestly was a very kind and understanding husband and I cared for my wife deeply and provided for her well financially. Her decision to cheat and end our relationship appears to have been simply because she lied and never really cared about me in the first place.

    Just thought this might add some perspective to this interesting topic, especially on the aspect of this study indicating that Indonesian women’s infidelity has been cited as a reason in more cases than the husband’s infidelity…

    By the way, I am wanting to get a divorce now…but I don’t even know where she is!

  18. Farah Says:
    March 27th, 2008 at 2:00 pm

    Reports based on 109, reasons for divorce, dogmas, status…

    What use is all this to us who needs help?

    or am I in the wrong site…
    I need help, and am trying to find a site on how to get a divorce in Jakarta, what are the steps to take,
    what are the women’s rights..
    what are her obligations…
    where to go… what to do..

    you are darn right Pravita, it takes courage for a woman to ask for a divorce..
    it took me 25 years of , thinking and rethinking, forgiving and reforgiving,
    25 years of living a lie..
    before making the decision..

    maybe I have finaly become smarter.

    and yes, by me staying on.. dragging on for this long… has its consequenses, my children have silently suffered …
    what for?
    dogma’s?
    security?
    status?
    finance?

    it is so not worth it if you loose yourself..

    now..

    can anybody point me to a Jakarta divorce page please..
    a usefull and helpful one this time..

    carry on guys.

    *****

Trackbacks

Comment on “Divorce Causes & Victims”.

Comments Policy.

Copyright Indonesia Matters 2006-08