Celebrity DeathMatch
Apr 14th, 2010, in Opinion, by Dikkiman Sujengkol
Celebrities & politicians settle their differences in the ring, for democracy.
Heh Friend,
One night tapping my Bongo drums, I ever had an idea for a Celebrity Deathmatch ala Indonesia.
Friend, in those late hours, when all is quiet in the Kampung, the hypnotic rhythm of the bongos make me think of the MTV skit where plasticine models of famous people are pitted against each other in a pro-wrestling ring with a big crowd.
Friend, they ever have some Seksi episodes. They ever had Monika Lewinsky vs Hilary Clinton, Bruce Willis and Demi Moore vs Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, Beavis vs Butthead, Charles Manson vs Marilyn Manson, and, among many more, Madonna vs Michael Jackson:
Celebrity Deathmatch – Madonna vs Michael Jackson
It’s true. Sometimes, Celebrity Deathmatch is not in line with Pancasila, our famous five national values. Each session usually ends with death, impalement, head getting ripped off, limbs dismembered. But it is good for Demokrasi because it ever let people release their upset.
So why can’t we have Celebrity Deathmatch Indonesia (CDI) ? Please, Friend, send in your ideas. Here are some of mine.
Aburizal Bakrie vs Sri Mulyani Indrawati:
This tug-of-war has been derailing the government ever since the gung-ho former UI economist ‘Ani’ (Sri Mulyani) went after Indonesia’s most infamous robber-baron, aka Ical (Bakrie). Bakrie’s a poster-boy for the enduring power of the New Order and pragmatic palm-greasing ways of the Pribumi business elite, (even though he’s of Arab descent). Ani is the hard-charging leader of cabinet’s brains trust and living proof that it’s often the women who really run the show in Indonesia. Finally in CDI these two could thrash it out, without all the smoke-filled rooms and behind-the-scenes intrigue you need to have gone to school with Wiranto’s niece’s fiance in the late ’80s to hear. My vote is for Ani, though Ical can get mean !
Ayu Utami vs Djenar Maesa Ayu:
Who will be Indonesia’s supreme Sastrawangi (fragrant author)? Both of them sultry and pouting icons of the sexual revolution in Indonesian literature, but only one woman can rule the ring. Ayu was heavy on sensuous symbolism; Djenar’s more explicit talking about blowing her Dad and stuff like that. Promises to be a good fight.
Ade Rai vs Barry Prima:
Brute bodybuilding strength vs exquisite Silat technique. Ade Rai, Indonesia’s answer to Arnold Schwarzenegger, has biceps bigger than the Malacca Straits, but Pendekar Barry Prima gots da slick martial arts moves. Is it the size of the waves or the motion of the Indian Ocean? Watch CDI to find out.
Inul Daratista vs Julia Perez (Jupe):
It’s Inul’s hip gyrating goyang vs Jupe’s sheer hutzpah. Inul’s pelvic dexterity got Indonesia’s clerics steamier than Yogya’s Gunung Merapi volcano, but only Julia Perez aka Jupe had guts to hand out condoms with her albums. Will she use them to strangle Inul, becoming queen of the ring and of Dangdut ?
Yenny Wahid vs Puan Maharani:
What would an Asian democracy be without dynastic politics? Yenny, who can actually see, has a better chance than her Dad, former president Abdurrahman “Gus Dur” Wahid, ever did in CDI. The jilbab-clad Yenny got there the hard way, having Daddy appoint her as one of the nation’s most powerful political advisors from 2001-2002. In true dynastic fashion, Puan Maharani, daughter of another former president, Megawati Sukarnoputri, is blazing a trail through her Mum’s party the PDI-P. But after 11 years of Demo-crazy, we’re all sick of the macet and even Facebook protests: let ’em duke it out in the ring!
Over to you, IM readers.
87 Comments on “Celebrity DeathMatch”
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PeterMarwood says:
And for a while there, I thought maybe you and Assmad/Dikkiman were mates, maybe coordinating over a beer and staging the whole thing. But yeah, I think it makes sense he’s a Bule woman.
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timdog says:
Oigal:
Timdog, on the other hand is just plain evil nothing worse and harder to kill than an well researched, left liberal, bedwetter
🙂
Well, I’m just preparing to head back to the UK for a month or two, and given what’s just happened there there could no longer be any distinction at all between left-liberals and liberal conservatives, and the likes of you and I could end up sitting amid the same damp sheets… either that or there’ll be no other option than for me and my ilk to gain control of our bodily functions, nail our (red) colours to the mast and go hard-left socialist…Ashlee:
I’m a strong feminist
Apologies for calling you “sweet” and “lovely”… 😉 Seriously though, as mentioned, I’m surprised that anyone ever thought you were him… Hope you’re having fun in Sumatra…
Having checked the dates it’s clear that Ashlee came up with the idea first… so… Did Dikkiman just steal it straight from the Globe? Did he pick it up in a conversation somewhere, unaware that the idea had already been published and use it as his own?
Or, here’s a possibility – I’ve been inclined to feel that as both character and satire there’s been a vast decline in – well, in the point – since he became “Dikkiman”. A real shame, because “Achmad” was funny and worthwhile as comedy (I hope it wasn’t my threat to write a pseudo-academic deconstruction of him, “The Achmad Discourse – Orientalism, Irony or a Black and White Minstrel for the Internet Age?” that prompted the name change).
However, could he just have proved himself a troll of monumental quality (is that an oxymoron? Well, surely no more so than “Tory-Lib Dem coalition” 😉 )?
Could he have deliberately stolen Ashlee’s idea in the hope that someone would spot it, and therefore jump to the conclusion that he was – apologies Ashlee – a 25-year-old Australian female. Which is, you’ll admit, pretty funny… -
Ashlee,
Ha5 – that’s funny. But you can understand why we thought it was you.
When you saying ‘doing the rounds’ — do you mean women – as in Western/expat/foreign women actually read that thing ? But you have to admit, the theme of Jakarta being a tough place relationship wise for a lot of Western women does seem to pop up quite a lot.
And double and triple funny — Dikkiman’s got bad syntax and grammar ? He loves to patronise other people about grammar.
Care to point out ? As a pro what do you think of the quality of his writing ?
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Hang on a moment! PeterMarwood, who are you? I thought for a moment at your first post that you were Oigal, but obviously you’re not…
However, I’ve mentioned before my sensitivity to the quirks and characteristics of other people’s styles, and
Care to point out ? As a pro what do you think of the quality of his writing ?
is a very Achmad/Dikkiman thing to write…
If that is you, mas, then you are a troll of monumental quality! Respect!I may, of course, have got it totally wrong, and PeterMarwood may in fact be Ross…
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Mr. Timdogs,
I am ever disappoint in you as The Englishman:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Withnail_and_I
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Oigal says:
I have no idea who this person is. The Celebrity Deathmatch piece of mine in the Globe was an original and did not stem from conversations with anyone in Indonesia.
At the risk of being torn limb to limb for grammar murder as it is not a strong point. Not much need to defend yourself Ashlee as not many thought that Assmad was a Australian anyway. A certain type of woman or Arnie type girlie man perhaps but certainly not australian and not you. He has reached new lows just pitching some elses work though, still ethics are just those funny looking people down the street to him/her.
Timdog.
likes of you and I could end up sitting amid the same damp sheets
Thats just a plain disturbing mental image and I rest my (pillow)case, Assmad was a interesting challenge for awhile and I confess to being one to toss stuff out there just to provoke a reaction..aka..the previous tirade on the “barge asses”. However Assmad lost it some time ago with the outright lies or quoting facts that just weren’t.
It’s fun to take a fact and twist it to a suit (ask Ross) but it outright lie reduces it to plain trolling and time wasting.
Now would it be girlie man to say and make it clear my previous tirade had nothing to do with Ashlee..mmm perhaps but true..I would hate to be labeled misogynistic..
On other matter…What could possibly drive anyone to return to the UK, surely you can stand in the rain here and find someone to head butt you at the football (sorry soccer).
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@ Oigals
@ Ashlee,I ever leave this one to you too. (btw Ashlee can you fix Oigal’s prose ? Pak Achmad ever tried to help him, with ‘Politics and the English Language,’ but he didn’t listen).
A Indonesia-based ‘strong feminist’ should have a field day with.
Sarong Wearing Butt Ugly Dyke some time ago.
and
Must be tough to be not included, not relevent and not wanted on a daily basis.
and
So our Assmad is just another of those barge assed, patronising, white witch that infest Indonesia contributing nothing but bitterness and bile…..beautiful..
and the cherry on the cake:
You can see them from time to time, the creatures overfulling the chairs, with self aware rolls of fat making their own bid for freedom from dresses three sizes too small. Over made up faces, scowling at every guy that so much as smiles or says thank you to one of the pretty lasses that overrun Indonesia. Their desperation for relevence and attention (remind you of anyone) flows across the room some horrible 50’s remake of the blob . The scowl is often accompanied by high pitch, nasal shriek as it trys something,anything to vainly gain the attention ofany passing human in the room. A human trapped by polite convention within its immediate sphere is pummeled with uninformed patronising, high pitched opinions on Indonesian women, business and the behaviour of those it could never attract in a world where the five senses are viable.
Oh well ….whistle while we work.
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Assmad “bored chuckle”.. you have done this before too dearie..arc up and fight your own battles. You still haven’t got it read what people say, your one trick nonsense has worn sooooo boorring..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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@ Oigal, we promised Patoengs we wouldn’t do this again.
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Oigal
What could possibly drive anyone to return to the UK
Cake. And the finest wines known to humanity…
(you may not know what I’m talking about here, but if you do, then the meeting of left-liberal-liberal-conservative minds is complete).That and the fact that I actually come from the nicest bit of the UK, and have a few things to track down, an archive or two to visit, and a contract (that will just about cover the cost of the flights) to sign. Something in the offing that makes it look like I might be back in these parts by July though…
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Aaaghh.. I am being turned..being a ex Clare Valley boy who picked grapes during “harvest leave” (how redneck is that) from school. I could probably share a tipple or two. Mostly to discuss what on earth is someone thinking going to UK for wine.
Clare Valley, South Oz that is..
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Heh. Mr. Timdogs, Mr. Oigals, Mr. The Patoengs,
What do you think about an online panel diskusi, 3-way, between, say, Ashlee, Dikki or Achmad, and someone else on…
Bulwom, Feminisme, and Misogyny in Indonesia ?
The formats could be likes the 300 challenge ….
Ashlee says something (if she agrees).
Dikki or Assmad
Then # 3: maybe invite an Indonesian media figure, or even just Purba Negoro… -
Ashlee Betteridge says:
As I said earlier… I have far better things to do that argue with some online anonymous shit-stirrer… or copy edit their writing.
I only came over here to nip these silly rumors in the bud.
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Ashlee,
Maybe you should learn to write first. Anyway, the invitation is opens. And you might learn a thing or two about usage, the Prens.
Will you step up to the plate ?
Will you heed the call ?
Will you – or even can you – defend the Bulwom, or will you leave her to the creepy clutches of anonymous online idiots like us ?
Now’s the time to prove your mettle, Ashlee. Or maybe you can just sooky-sooky into your paperback Naomi Wolf.
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Assmad, give it up. You have been exposed as a thief as well as a liar, same as your sponsors in Indonesia. Not that I ever had any doubt but now its out there for all to see. Sad, boring, dishonest and cowardly not much of a reference but in your case over generous.
I wonder what the penalties for plagiarism is in Indonesia, particularly online?
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What plagiarism Oigal? I don’t see any.
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Sorry…mmmm.. I am just over sensitive seeing similarities between Ashlee’s article and the Assmad opinion piece..or not
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Concept same, execution (text, and I have to say, quality) different.
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Not wanting to labour a point but
Plagiarism, as defined in the 1995 Random House Compact Unabridged Dictionary, is the “use or close imitation of the language and thoughts of another author and the representation of them as one’s own original work
Plagiarism is not only the mere copying of text, but also the presentation of another’s ideas as one’s own, regardless of the specific words or constructs used to express that idea. In contrast, many so-called plagiarism detection services can only detect blatant word-for-word copies of text.
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Ok the idea is the same but you said
I wonder what the penalties for plagiarism is in Indonesia, particularly online?
which is ludicrous because it’s not plagiarism in any sort of actionable, real sense.
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Friend,
I ever don’t read The Globe.
I am only read Pos Kota, Lampu Hijau (formerly Lampu Merah) and Detektif and Romantika.
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deta says:
So, Dikki is not Ashlee? What a relief… What about the IP addreses Patung? Do they support the confession? 🙂
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The wandering islands of Dikki and Ashlee do not meet, and I think never will…. It’s the IP address of this PeterMarwood that I’m more concerned about…
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It’s the IP address of this PeterMarwood that I’m more concerned about
Indeed, as does his his site visits stirring up trouble..kinda lame really, but do tell more about the IP addresses
Don’t get over sensitive Patung but hardly its ludicrous and certainly proves at point. Nothing and everything is possible in Indonesia as we all know.
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venna says:
So what’s the IP address said? It refers to who?
I hope Ashlee enjoys the moment here and anticipate a possible upcoming event: boys gone crazy. -
Odinius says:
Oigal said:
Mostly to discuss what on earth is someone thinking going to UK for wine.
timdog may be suffering from dengue fever 🙂
Of course, you can get all the french wines quite easily, if that’s your thing. Not mine, though. New World all the way.
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Oigal said:
Indeed, as does his his site visits stirring up trouble..kinda lame really, but do tell more about the IP addresses
Seconded. This PeterMarwood fellow seems awfully familiar with the site’s “characters” and recurrent squabbles.
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The idea that JakartaGlobe owns the copyright to the idea of Celebrity Deathmatch Indonesia is ludicrous Oigal. Totally. Yes Indonesian law can be interpreted in all sorts of interesting directions. Still ludicrous. What I’m sensitive about actually is your whole comment, going back
Assmad, give it up. You have been exposed as a thief as well as a liar, same as your sponsors in Indonesia. Not that I ever had any doubt but now its out there for all to see. Sad, boring, dishonest and cowardly not much of a reference but in your case over generous.
I wonder what the penalties for plagiarism is in Indonesia, particularly online?
was motivated by personal dislike of someone and therefore clouding otherwise good intelligence and also therefore yawn material for the rest of us. While Dikki is often far from blameless in these things this
@ Oigal, we promised Patoengs we wouldn’t do this again.
is good sense.
PeterMarwood is Dikki.
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Heh Friend,
Ashlee did a good one on Oigal on her Blog.
Ashlee May 15, 2010 at 4:36 pm
I don’t care who your rant was directed at or what you do in your free time, even though it was disgustingly misogynistic and fat hating, two things I stand strongly against. I have no regard for what the boozed-up washed-up Blok M bule barflies of Jakarta think of me and I haven’t given a damn since… oh… right around the minute I stepped off the plane. Unlike many of them, I arrived in Indonesia to work, travel and learn, not pick up hookers and pretend I was running some sort of noble one man NGO in the process.
I only care that my name isn’t wrongly associated as being an author of the kind of tripe that idiot posts on the internet.
If any more of this crap flows on over to my blog, it will all be deleted. You have Indonesia Matters and JakChat, surely that’s enough space on the internet for you all to act like immature schoolboys.
Comment on “Celebrity DeathMatch”.
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Umm, what is all this? Someone told me I’d better come over here and defend myself.
I would never write the misogynistic anti-bule crap that comes out of this guy’s mouth. Seriously, I’ve got better stuff to do. Right now, I’m backpacking Sumatra.
I’m a strong feminist, and I remember when his piece about “bulwom” or bule women was doing the rounds, while I wasn’t lame enough to be “outraged” because it was pure idiocy, I did shake my head and think it was typical of the misogyny that pervades life in Indonesia for both local women and expats alike.
So, not me.
I only write for the Jakarta Globe in Indonesia, as well as some Australian publications (I am also too much of a grammar nazi to write something riddled with that many syntax errors, sheesh). I also write my own blog at http://www.bettylovesblogging.com.
I have no idea who this person is. The Celebrity Deathmatch piece of mine in the Globe was an original and did not stem from conversations with anyone in Indonesia.
Ashlee