Celebrity DeathMatch

Apr 14th, 2010, in Opinion, by

Celebrities & politicians settle their differences in the ring, for democracy.

Heh Friend,

One night tapping my Bongo drums, I ever had an idea for a Celebrity Deathmatch ala Indonesia.

Friend, in those late hours, when all is quiet in the Kampung, the hypnotic rhythm of the bongos make me think of the MTV skit where plasticine models of famous people are pitted against each other in a pro-wrestling ring with a big crowd.

Friend, they ever have some Seksi episodes. They ever had Monika Lewinsky vs Hilary Clinton, Bruce Willis and Demi Moore vs Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, Beavis vs Butthead, Charles Manson vs Marilyn Manson, and, among many more, Madonna vs Michael Jackson:

Celebrity Deathmatch – Madonna vs Michael Jackson

It’s true.  Sometimes, Celebrity Deathmatch is not in line with Pancasila, our famous five national values. Each session usually ends with death, impalement, head getting ripped off, limbs dismembered. But it is good for Demokrasi because it ever let people release their upset.

So why can’t we have Celebrity Deathmatch Indonesia (CDI) ?  Please, Friend, send in your ideas.  Here are some of mine.

Aburizal Bakrie vs Sri Mulyani Indrawati:

Aburizal Bakrie Sri Mulyani IndrawatiThis tug-of-war has been derailing the government ever since the gung-ho former UI economist ‘Ani’ (Sri Mulyani) went after Indonesia’s most infamous robber-baron, aka Ical (Bakrie).  Bakrie’s a poster-boy for the enduring power of the New Order and pragmatic palm-greasing ways of  the Pribumi business elite, (even though he’s of Arab descent). Ani is the hard-charging leader of cabinet’s brains trust and living proof that it’s often the women who really run the show in Indonesia. Finally in CDI these two could thrash it out, without all the smoke-filled rooms and behind-the-scenes intrigue you need to have gone to school with Wiranto’s niece’s fiance in the late ’80s to hear.  My vote is for Ani, though Ical can get mean !

Ayu Utami vs Djenar Maesa Ayu:

Ayu Utami Djenar Maesa Ayu Who will be Indonesia’s supreme Sastrawangi (fragrant author)? Both of them sultry and pouting icons of the sexual revolution in Indonesian literature, but only one woman can rule the ring. Ayu was heavy on sensuous symbolism; Djenar’s more explicit talking about blowing her Dad and stuff like that. Promises to be a good fight.

Ade Rai vs Barry Prima:

Ade RaiBarry PrimaBrute bodybuilding strength vs exquisite Silat technique. Ade Rai, Indonesia’s answer to Arnold Schwarzenegger, has biceps bigger than the Malacca Straits, but Pendekar Barry Prima gots da slick martial arts moves.  Is it the size of the waves or the motion of the Indian Ocean? Watch CDI to find out.

Inul Daratista vs Julia Perez (Jupe):

InulJulia PerezIt’s Inul’s hip gyrating goyang vs Jupe’s sheer hutzpah. Inul’s pelvic dexterity got Indonesia’s clerics steamier than Yogya’s Gunung Merapi volcano, but only Julia Perez aka Jupe had guts to hand out condoms with her albums.  Will she use them to strangle Inul, becoming queen of the ring and of Dangdut ?

Yenny Wahid vs Puan Maharani:

Yenny WahidPuan MaharaniWhat would an Asian democracy be without dynastic politics?  Yenny, who can actually see, has a better chance than her Dad, former president Abdurrahman “Gus Dur” Wahid, ever did in CDI. The jilbab-clad Yenny got there the hard way, having Daddy appoint her as one of the nation’s most powerful political advisors from 2001-2002.  In true dynastic fashion, Puan Maharani, daughter of another former president, Megawati Sukarnoputri, is blazing a trail through her Mum’s party the PDI-P. But after 11 years of Demo-crazy, we’re all sick of the macet and even Facebook protests: let ’em duke it out in the ring!

Over to you, IM readers.

87 Comments on “Celebrity DeathMatch”

  1. Chris says:

    Great idea!

    How about:

    – the former wife of Ahmad Dani v the current wife ? (I think their names are Maia and Mulan).

    Rhoma Irama v Inul Darutista? (This of course assumes she survives the previous match against Julia Perez.)

  2. yorijuly14 says:

    what a brilliant idea
    This would be quite entertaining

    What if we make a match between Su*n* Duad** and someone else
    (I don’t really understand who “someone” is supposed to be).
    Can’t wait to see that…

  3. Pak Chris,

    Inul will be tired, so better Rhoma Irama vs Achmad Dani.

    Pak Yori:

    Susno vs Gayus, of course.

  4. deta says:

    How ’bout:
    Eka Tjipta Widjaya vs Sudono Salim
    Martha Tilaar vs Mooryati Sudibyo
    Andy Malarangeng vs Adhyaksa Dault
    Dewi Fortuna Anwar vs Rosiana Silalahi
    Ki Joko Bodo vs Ki Gendeng Pamungkas
    Mbah Surip vs Gombloh
    Tukul Arwana vs Aziz Gagap
    ….and many more to come.

  5. ET says:

    How ’bout
    Arie Brand vs Ross McKay
    Dikkiman vs Oigal
    ET vs deta

  6. deta says:

    Don’t like the last one. I’ve set the white flag.

  7. ET says:

    I’ve set the white flag

    I thought it was red.

  8. deta says:

    Only a pinko can see white as red. I believe you’re not.

  9. ET says:

    Only a pinko can see white as red.

    I should ask Ross, he knows all about it.

  10. madrotter says:

    hmmmmhhh, nice topic!!!

    mega vs sby would be something if they can find a ring that can carry that sort of weight

    i’m afraid bakrie would win his match against mulyani, he would just bore into the ground and have a mudvolcano cover her ass…

    lemme think a bit, ill come up with some more nice matches (been a pro-wrestling fan for almost 30 years now so i should be able to come up with some nice speciality matches like the coalminers glove matches they have in the states, barbed wire matches, hidden explosives matches that are quiet popular in japan etc.)

  11. ET says:

    Yes, the possibilities are endless. My personal favorite is mud wrestling, but only for females. Bakrie could supply the mud, so it has some good use after all.

  12. madrotter says:

    well i’ve been a big fan of professional wrestling for decades so i know a bit about these things. bakrie will win his match against mulyadi because he will either buy the ref or he will dump millions of gallons of volcanic mud over her, he might even rent the whole place to give another 100 billion rupiah wedding ceremony, whatever happens he won’t be wrestling his conciense ’cause he doesn’t have any…

    i would love to see either a barbed wire match or a coal miners glove match between mega and sby, problem is, there isn’t any ring strong enough to hold all that weight…

    i like the Mbah Surip vs Gombloh match! mbah singing i lop you full and gombloh singing the indonesian anthem, lots of hairpulling and lots of dji sam soe…

    hmmmh lemme think….

  13. madrotter says:

    hmmm weird, im in this internetcafe in malang and everytime i post here it doesnt appear and then it does….

    speaking about fighting, finally the t’bum got their asses kicked yesterday in tanjung priok, the very first time i stand behind fpi violence because i’m sick of seeing those fxckers throwing poor people out of their houses and bulldozing them. and isnt it funny how now all of a sudden the president comes on tv all worried, how they all of a sudden are screaming about reforming those pigs? how they’re falling over each other apologizing? you don’t see them do that when it’s just a few hundred poor defenseless people…

    but… more matches!!!

    habibi fighting….an ant? and loosing?

    taufik kiemas fighting the urge? and in the end loosing to a strawberry donut?

    also i wanna see aburizal bakrie (yeah him again i really don’t like that man) fighting with mick foley aka cactus jack aka mankind aka dude love and getting it with a barbed wired bat….

    as far as mudwrestling goes, i wanna see dada rosada, the mayor of bandung fight ahmad heryawan in a mudwrestling match in one of the ten thousand gaping holes in the roads of bandung….

  14. madrotter says:

    I also was going to say Me fighting Julia Perez in a thousand orgasms match but I won’t…

    That would be too cheap…

  15. who’s t’bum madrotter ?

  16. madrotter says:

    that’s what the people call the special police who do these incredibly violent evictions, and it’s about time they got their asses kicked. seems i got my info wrong jakarta post said the fpi joined the fracas, turns out they didn’t, they came in at the end and somehow mediated a halt to the fighting, at least that’s how i read it in the globe…

    really, these guys are the worst of the worst, i’m sure everybody here on this forum has seen them in action many times…

  17. BrotherMouzone says:


    I agree that the evictions are often brutal (however necessary they may be deemed for the economic progress of the capital) However, I regret the FPI’s involvement. They deserve no props for this at all. From my reading of the news, the locals rioted but things had already calmed down a lot before the FPI arrived.

    The real problem is that there was no offer of mediation from, for example, an NGO or the Mayor’s office. When there is a vacuum in leadership, bottom feeders like the FPI end up looking like the only organised option. Not good.

  18. madrotter says:

    it’s not good in others ways too when you think about it. the blasphemy law will not be revoked and it’s public knowledge that this is because of fear of fpi reprisals, these guys are now too often dictating how things will have to happen to keep them from rampaging…

  19. Oigal says:

    it’s public knowledge that this is because of fear of fpi reprisals,

    Indeed, hard to imagine a more craven back down by a group of people charged with the protection of the people and the laws of the land. Under no perception of logic that I could see, could the Blasphemy law not be in direct violation of the constitution.

    I am assuming a lot was lost in translation as the Judges attempt to justify their rationale was simply cringe worthy.

  20. Globie says:

    Umm… the Jakarta Globe did something like this a while ago… see http://www.thejakartaglobe.com/columns/piece-of-mind-indonesian-news-celebrity-death-matches/350055

  21. David says:

    So, maybe we have found the real identity of Dikkiman….never would have guessed he was female but there you go eh.

  22. deta says:

    And I called him ‘Pak’ or ‘Mas’…… Sh*t! I feel so dumb. Sorry, Ashlee!

  23. PeterMarwood says:

    Ok. So now we know…

    Dikkiman/Assmad is a 20-something copy editor and reporter.

    It all makes so much sense, really…

    The anti-bule tirades.

    The resentment towards middle-aged men – maybe a displaced anger at Daddy.

    The condescension towards Bloggers and patronising comments about grammar and useage.

    Even the inside knowledge about Bule woman’s woes in Jakarta. How many ex pat men are going to sit around listening to women belly ache about dating. Sure some gay ones might, but that’s a minority.

    I supppose Ashlee – I mean Assmad – I mean Dikkiman – was bound to slip eventually, but did she really think she could sneak this Celebrity Deathmatch one past us ?

    I suppose she almost did.

  24. timdog says:

    Oh c’mon…

    Look, take it as a given that Dikkiman has a… er… relationship with the lamented Achmad Sudarsono, and then ask yourself if either is a 25-year-old Australian female. The answer, evidently, is no.

    Just had a quick look at Ashlee’s blog. She seems rather sweet but she ain’t Achmad, no way…

    I don’t know who Achmad/Dikkiman is myself, though I have the uncomfortable suspicion that he knows exactly who I am (it’s a bit like being in a darkened room, knowing that there’s someone else with night vision goggles somewhere in there) but I think if you had access to a list of former bule staff at the Jakarta POST you’d find him on it somewhere – that’s as much as I can surmise.

    The real question is, did the lovely Ashlee steal the idea directly from IM, or was the “friend” she was discussing the idea with, perhaps, the real Dikkiman?

  25. diego says:

    To Mr. Achmad,

    I don’t know what bule(s) have done to you. I guess it was something really horrible (did they call you stupid?). My sympathy for you.

    Anyway, not all bules are evils. These two are nice…:


  26. Oigal says:

    Laugh.. Fair go, I am sure I tipped Assmad as Sarong Wearing Butt Ugly Dyke some time ago. Although as Peter says it does explain the little tantrums and tirades against “Bule” guys and their supposed haunts. Must be tough to be not included, not relevent and not wanted on a daily basis.

    So our Assmad is just another of those barge assed, patronising, white witch that infest Indonesia contributing nothing but bitterness and bile…..beautiful..

    You can see them from time to time, the creatures overfulling the chairs, with self aware rolls of fat making their own bid for freedom from dresses three sizes too small. Over made up faces, scowling at every guy that so much as smiles or says thank you to one of the pretty lasses that overrun Indonesia. Their desperation for relevence and attention (remind you of anyone) flows across the room some horrible 50’s remake of the blob . The scowl is often accompanied by high pitch, nasal shriek as it trys something,anything to vainly gain the attention ofany passing human in the room. A human trapped by polite convention within its immediate sphere is pummeled with uninformed patronising, high pitched opinions on Indonesian women, business and the behaviour of those it could never attract in a world where the five senses are viable.

    Oh well ….whistle while we work.

  27. Oigal says:

    Seriously, I have no doubt that Assmad is not male, although I would not go as far as to say it is female.

    Assmad is not Australian, its ignorance of pivotal pieces of Australian History and society is proof of that. It has little knowledge of the country other than what one gains from skim reading mass produced pulp. The inabilty to spell people or place names correctly or even grasp the importance of such political turning points such as Wave hill would point to it being a non resident. I suspect it did spend some time in oz, sponored by the long suffering Australian taxpayer much like its parasitic attachment to this country.

  28. PeterMarwood says:

    @ Oigal,

    Damn, man, that’s harsh ! LOL. Sounds like you speak from experience !

    I mean I know Assmad/Dikki ain’t exactly the classiest guy in the world, but ripping off ideas from the Globe ? I looked up some of his earlier articles, and, jeez, talk about setting new lows.


    – made fun of other people’s misery (CIA and disaster piece).

    – Did a bait-and-troll piece on pedophila, something children have to suffer.

    – depicted Indonesians as stupid and xenophobic (I’ve found Indonesians to be some of the most accomodating to foreigners anywhere).

    – Taken pot shots at other people (you seem to get his goat a bit, Oigal).

    – Generally laughed at his own jokes, and as you say, display general ignorance and prejudice

    Still, the bitterness factors you mention would help explain why a Bule woman would spend all the effort (he’s been writing since 2007 !), to pump it out – some kind of perverted personal therapy session.

    Anyway, I doubt we’ll be seeing much more of him after his ‘outing’ — but I’m sure we’ll get a lengthy denial.

  29. Oigal says:

    – Taken pot shots at other people (you seem to get his goat a bit, Oigal).

    Hey everyone needs a hobby and ever since burning ants with a magnifying glass lost its lustre..well..Its not really much of challenge once you get past the basic trolling not much substance or personal courage there.

    Seriously, I am with Timdog here (sort of) no way Assmad is an Australian, not because of his repugant and patronising views (no shortage of those around) but even a year seven student would not get a many basic facts incorrect (even if using those facts to bolster views I find just plain silly).

    Having said that, his lack of basic research would perhaps provide some credence to being a D grade copy writer. Although I am sticking with the token bule sponsored plaything of the corrupt elite.

    Harsh?? Ah but is it wrong one has to ask, we have all seen them…scary creatures..

    Timdog, on the other hand is just plain evil nothing worse and harder to kill than an well researched, left liberal, bedwetter 🙂

  30. PeterMarwood says:

    @ Oigal,

    Fairs, fair, she might be a decent enough copywriter during the day.

    Anyway… as you say, ants under the magnifying glass are only fun for a while… the weekend’s here.

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