Single Mothers in Yogya
Nov 5th, 2008, in Society, by Guest WriterClare recounts his daughter’s experience of having a child out of wedlock in Yogyakarta.
Unmarried Motherhood in Yogya
‘You’re what!’
My wife closed my mobile and handed it back to me. I knew what she was going to say next. I had guessed about a week before and had mentioned my suspicions to my wife, but still the confirmation on the phone as we were driving downhill to Yogya had obviously come as a shock,
She is pregnant
said my wife. I laughed,
Oh goody
I replied.
Ha!
my wife brought her “you have no idea what this news portends” ‘Ha!’ into play,
You are English. This isn’t England. You don’t know what this will mean. The baby will be called names at school. There will be demonstrations outside our daughter’s house. We will be disgraced.
I said stoutly:
Rubbish
although I had to admit I had no idea whether my wife was right or wrong on all, or any, of these points,
I am going to be a Granddad and that is all that matters at the moment; that and looking after our daughter. And you will be Granny. How does that feel?
My wife was quiet for a long time and then started to giggle,
Won’t it be lovely to have a grandchild?
It will
I agreed, but even as I agreed I knew that single motherhood in Indonesia would not be the same as single motherhood in the only other country of which I have any experience of such a thing; Britain. Our daughter was in a potentially very awkward situation, socially, and religiously.
The family swung into gear as soon as the news was disseminated. I wish I could say that this swinging into gear was supportive but it was not. The prime concern was to hide a shameful event that would now bring discredit on all and sundry. My wife’s sister in Lampung on learning that our daughter was considering going there as soon as the bump began to show, to have the baby with the Sumatra based branch of our gracious kith and kin as her support group; panicked and rang to say how this plan would be so unsuitable as she, the sister, was a teacher and her reputation would be shot.
The youngest brother in Jakarta found a man in Bandung with two children, recently divorced, who was looking for a wife. This man had a business of his own and a house. What could be better? Just send the daughter to Bandung and she and the baby would be clear of all of us and the problem would be solved.
Our daughter was insisting that an abortion was the answer, so she was no better than all the rest in viewing her pregnancy as a problem and not an accidental blessing.
My wife and I forbade everyone from talking about our future grandchild as a problem. We withdrew to our house on the volcano to the north of Yogya and had a hard think about the situation. My wife still feared real unpleasantness in and around the neighbourhood of our daughter’s house in Yogya. I said I doubted her fears were well grounded but admitted a total lack of evidence for my confidence. We did not consider an abortion as being something we could condone on a number of fronts; not least that we would be inclined to abort anyone who suggested depriving us of a grandchild. We discussed this with the daughter who demurred in bad grace and from that moment on has blamed us for what she views as the whole debacle; her original mistake, all ensuing embarrassment and costs, and, by so doing plonked full responsibility for the baby and its future into our ageing hands and care. Not, obviously, the reactions and behaviour of a rational and controlled thirty-six year old adult, which was, and remains, depressing for both me and my wife.
As the bump developed the daughter withdrew from society into her house and into her bedroom and vegetated. Eventually she was so big and needing care that she agreed to join us here in our house outside town. I could not see why she should feel forced to leave her middle class environment in the city with her neighbours, all professors at UGM (Universitas Gajah Mada) and doctors and business folk of substantial standing. Surely, I said, such people would be aware that mistakes, bad decisions, passionate affairs with married men; these things happen and this is the twenty-first century. But the daughter was adamant; she must take her shame to the countryside and hide with us amongst the orang kampung of our nearby village.
I blamed Islam for the attitudes of the snobbish middle class who were, without saying a word, causing us to bend to their petty bigotry; but our daughter explained that it was nothing to do with Islam; to have an unmarried mother in the community would bring bad luck to forty houses in all directions from the house in which the sinner dwelt. I admit I laughed long and hard at that and ridiculed it for some time before I became aware that maybe this superstition is more potent than any po-faced morality based on a misunderstanding of Islam, or Christianity for that matter; both of which religions are, as far as I can see from their books of instruction, intended to protect and care for the mistaken and the vulnerable. Maybe, I realised, a lot of what we put down to the misogyny of an Islam we are misunderstanding is in reality old fashioned Javanese superstition.
The rural community of which we are a part may (in fact I am sure they do) have much to say to one another about my wife and I and our family and our failure in not bringing our daughter up to be a chaste and proper young lady. But this community has as many skeletons rattling in its cupboard as any other anywhere in the world. We have been to weddings recently and six months later gone to the selamatans for the birth and the naming of the first child from that marriage. We noticed that no-one has remarked on the size of the baby being remarkable for a maximum six months gestation. There are little waifs and strays all over the village that are being brought up by aunts and uncles and grannies and grandpas for all sorts of reasons. And our granddaughter is now another in this pattern.
The grandexpense is three and a half months old now and a joy to all of us blessed with her care; and in this that amounts to most of the village if they are given the chance. Our daughter has returned to her life in town and her neighbourhood where the official story is that she spent some months in Jakarta with her cousin who works there. I don’t believe anyone is daft enough to believe this and in any case the house-girl network will spill the beans; but in true Javanese fashion some form of protocol has been observed that satisfies the prigs and the prudes, and I have no doubt that they feel self-righteous and can enjoy themselves with the essential title-tattle of a small neighbourhood.
It would be interesting to hear from any single mothers, and fathers for that matter, of their experiences and how these differ from the experiences of people of their parents and grandparents generations; and if on this kind of social issue Indonesia is progressing at the same pace as it is, say, in banking, or technology, or democratic reforms. I have a suspicion that, as in the west, industrial, business, and political progress tends to forge ahead as the mores of society take a while adapting to the new environment. Or, is it possible, and perhaps preferable, that the new globalised productive and political world can get on with the business of modernising and growth without altering the standards and traditions of the society of the country? Indonesia, after all, does not have to swallow the whole Western Capitalist deal in one gulp; does it? Drink, drugs, promiscuity; are these all necessarily part of modernity?
98 Comments on “Single Mothers in Yogya”
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fullmoonflower says:
perhaps it won’t be “haram”, but “makruh”, as jengkol and petai were
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Farah says:
@fullmoonflower
Well… you can’t really see man in lust way (more than 3 times?) and kissing? must be haram according to the moslem law (sorry i don’t know for sure, just my thought).@ Kinch
hey i did book my ticket for next month to jakarta !Durian still on here, loads of it, followed with mangoes (lots of it !), rambutan and duku. Never seen so much fruits in same times ! you could find it next to street almost every where..
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kinch says:
@Farah – You should post more warnings so that everybody in Jakarta can lock their doors 😀
I have to go back to Australia to visit parents, nieces, etc. for Christmas, but will see if I can’t find some way to travel back via lovely (no doubt flooded) Jakarta.
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yes, Farah..
I know it’s haram in muslim rule…. but it is more haram (big sin) if we did zina ….
So, which one better? :
1. See a (good looking) man more than 3 times but didn’t do anything with him…
or
2. Shouting everyone that seeing a man and kissing are haram, but then did zina in silent….
hahahaha 😆
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hmmmm…. I couldn’t find any durian here in Jakarta since last week, even in “Total” Toko Buah….
whereas I would cook “Ketan Kinca Durian” last week, and then I planned on last saturday because I couldn’t find durian in every single supermarket and hypermarket…. 🙁I would look for it at Jalan Kalibata, but rain everyday… 🙁
hope I’ll find it this saturday, so I can cook “Ketan Kinca Durian” then…
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ET says:
@fullmoonflower
A girl, who was very hard talking about my jilbab, was caught did something immoral in the darkness of Lapangan Lembah UGM with her boyfriend, and they used her jilbab as mattress…!!!
Did she wash the jilbab or did she throw it away? Is it halal to wear a jilbab that bears the marks of zina?
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hihihi… I don’t know 😛
you are funny ET… 😆
hmmm… if she didn’t have many wide jilbabs, maybe she would wash it… but if she had many, maybe she will throw it away…. I don’t know….
oh my God… what a funny life… 😆
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No, no, no… This is not funny. This is dead serious.
Contrary to what the infidels may pretend it is proof that the jilbab has many useful functions and every muslimah should be aware that this religious obligation is extremely beneficial, lahir as wel as batin.
When she wears it on the head she will be protected from the lustful gaze of horny men. When she wears it on the bottom it will protect her from nasty ants trying to get a piece of the action. And when the proceedings have come to an end it can even be used as a cleaning towel.
Fullmoonflower, I hope you will repent and never leave home without it.
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ok ET…
thank you for your suggestion… 😉
I will bring a wide scarf or jilbab in my backpack together with my laptop everywhere then… 😀 -
@ Kinch
yeah.. right… i should lock my door if you’re in jakarta perhaps…I already prepare my self for some swimming action in jakarta…. raining season will be bad as usual. But have to stay positive, its just rain and flood… i might will just stay at my hotel, and curl up, watch tv, but hey.. when i open my window, its a different jungle.. i am in jakarta.. hehehe.. ill find something tho.
..you don’t see your crazy gf/fiancee/wifefor x-mast? hehehe you didn’t mention that ! hehehe
@fmf
Sin is a sin. Thats the moslem law.
I wish i could say something like this one is better than that one.. well its all wrong according to the religion.
For me personally, i would dislike number 2. You could tell people whats right and wrong, but you can’t judge them if they right or wrong in my opinion. So when someone do a mistake i think its bad if someone point at that person and say “you are a sinner and God will punish you !” because i believe religion is the most personal relationship that human had with their God. He is the only judge at the end. I wont care what they say.
There’s alot of durian in sumatra, like A-LOT of it. Also mangoes.. if jakarta floded by rain, were floded by fresh fruits… (made juices every day..yummmsssss). They even made martabak bangka with durian filling, also at my base camp, they made durian ice cream from fresh durian.. well.. not all the time since theres less expatriate in here like durian.@ ET
I think thats the first reason why i am not wearing a jilbab yet (i made it as an excuse) even if thats a must thing to do for a moslem woman. My father told me jilbab is one of true moslem identity, if you can’t act like one, then dont use one, because you will only embarrassed islam and made islam image bad.
If i still think of having a boyfriend, walk with a guy that not my brother/my family, swimming, laugh hard like guys, spent more time with my friends outside home rather than with my family, then i shouldn’t use one.
Someone faith with God/Allah can not determined with only thin sheet on someone head, or how long some other guys beard or how short their pants (or how dark their forehead is??) -
There’s alot of durian in sumatra, like A-LOT of it.
hehehe… if I’m living in Samarinda or Balikpapan or Lampung or Medan or Purworejo or Pontianak or anywhere which “Lempok” or “Lempuk” or “Dodol Durian” are their specialties… no wonder if I can get durian easily there… 😆
but unfortunately, I’m in Jakarta… 🙁
and if I’m back home to Yogyakarta, I will find durian only during November to February… 🙁anyway, yes, you are correct…
Someone faith with God/Allah can not determined with only thin sheet on someone head, or how long some other guys beard or how short their pants
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but as ET’s suggestion, I’ll bring a wide scarf in my backpack (not wear it), as this stuff has multifunction, better than a handkerchief 😀
well, whenever I went to Tembagapura-Papua, I always needed this scarf to cover my hair and neck during my trip from Timika, avoid to dust (I am allergy)…
so I always brought at least 2 wide scarfs in my backpack… -
@Farah:
You should lock your door and hide under the bed and turn off your ponsel. Then you might be safe from me. Better check all picture frames and make sure they’re not level 🙂
Nope, just going to do family get together things in Australia. I’m not man enough to keep a big scary double wide wife or fiancee there. Strictly Asian females for me…
Bali might be very peaceful for holiday escape from your oily jungle next year, given recession – it’s amazing how empty of tourists Bangkok seems already – this time of year is usually high season. Apparently similar in the cheaper parts of Phuket, too.
Re your jilbab philosophy, I think Augustine of Hippo said it best: “Lord make me chaste – but not yet!”
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@ FMF
I think pashamina is the best. I always brought that when ever i am traveling. You could use it as shawl or head cover, its fashionable, you could use it as towel too (incase emergency and u dont want to use hotel towels) and you could sit on it at beach… you could use it also as blanket during flight, or bus trip… still you will look stylist.@ Kinch
…you sound like jack the ripper..
heheh… i thought you would like more life thrilling adventure with two wives.
I wnet to bali once, its beautiful… but if i had to choose between bali or phuket ? ill choose phuket.
Sorry its not because i am not being national. I went there, and they care more for tourist rather than light brown skin girl traveling backpack (talking about some balinese). Also Kuta and some places just a little bit dirty (the beach). I walk in the morning wish to have some fresh air, and ended stepping on used condom (its kuta beach). Something that never happened to me while i am in Phuket.
Also believe it or not, its cheaper for me to travel to Phuket rather than to Bali (flights).
So..bali..maybe some other time.. next year in April ill go to Thailand again… hehehehehe -
@ Farah…
Thank you…I already have 8 pashminas in my wardrobe… yeah, it’s fashionable for travelling or just nongkrong di mall, but it’s really uncomfortable to wear pashmina in mining area, or in our warehouse, in cool storage, in port-site… hehehe…
Indonesian teenager say it : “ribet banget sih”I also already have dozens of silk scarfs, and few of “bergo” (mini jilbab), square wide scarf, and also jilbabs… but wear them occasionally…
I ever bring 3 pashminas to Timika, but those were useless there… since Timika is not Singapore, or Kuala Lumpur, or Bangkok, or Melbourne, or Sydney… hahaha…
It’s useless to be stylist in front of men with koteka … hahaha 😆but thank you anyway….
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@ FMF
…wait..wait… are you working at field too ?? hehehe same.. working in oil and gas refinery here in sumatra jungle..
Wearing pashamina at work place.. i think its okay.. i use that as shawl sometimes.. its useful especially if you had a Canadian boss (i called them “weather proof guys”) that LOVE to set the air conditioner temp to 18 degrees which is too cold for me ! our air cond is central… so, sometimes i become a frozen secretary !
My working hrs is 12 hrs indoor (sometimes more) from 6 am to 6 pm ! so with that cold temp i need thick clothes or a pashamina help !
euuuhhh.. give those men some pashamina then to cover up a bit more! hehehehe ! -
@Farah:
Multiple wives would be asking for trouble! Multiple girlfriends is fun for a while, but it generally seems to end in trouble. I’m reluctantly beginning to accept that acquiring some morals might be a good move. Very depressing thought!
Valid point about Bali being an unpleasant environment for any Indonesian girl traveling alone. Actually even unpleasant if you are with a Bule bf/husband as they will say nasty things as you walk past. Seems the only way to avoid this is to rent a half/half child and carry it around pretending to be the mother :D.
I’d never consider actually staying in Kuta – one of the armpits of the universe – infested by the worst kind of Australians and the worst kinds of Indonesians.
Regarding walking on the beach in Thailand: It’s best to be a bit careful. The beach may appear clean and safe, but it is certainly *not* safe all the time and everywhere. Where there are beaches there are Thai fishermen. In this part of the world, ‘fisherman’ means catches fish most days, is a pirate/rapist/murderer when the opportunity arises. Plenty of cases of Bule girls went for a walk on the beach in the night and never came back alive. Koh Samui is probably more dangerous in this respect than Phuket, but would advise caution in either place.
Remember that in Bali you mostly know what they are saying about you and you mostly understand the local body language and can pick up on atmosphere no problem. This is definitely not the case in Thailand (whether you know it or not… and we often don’t know what we don’t know… funny that :)).
Actually some ethnologists have studied how many different kinds of smile there are in Thai culture. I forget the result, but certainly more than 20 or 30… and only one of them means ‘I am happy to see you’.
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Oh… just remembered something about ‘beautiful beach’ in Bali:
A few years ago I was doing the Nusa Dua & Ubud thing with a Japanese girlfriend. Like most Japanese, she was slave to guide book and of course had a big list of things she wanted to see and do in Bali.
One of these things on the list was ‘collect some black volcanic sand from a black sand beach’. I think she wanted to take it home for sand sculpture or something. Japanese always have strange hobbies. Of course I was not interested in collecting black sand with Japanese girl. This is not what Japanese girl was put on this earth for. But anyway eventually could not avoid anymore and so we got a driver and said ‘black sand please’. This genius says ‘no problem, can find not far from Sanur’. So off we went.
Eventually we got to a beach. Black sand everywhere. Very good. So she starts walking and steps onto the beach. Sand seems bit wet. Then we notice smell. Worse than durian. Then we look around more closely. Black sand beach is kind of toilet/sewage outlet. That’s when i quickly took photo, because her facial expression was priceless. I said ‘no problem, you can take home to Japan and sterilise in the microwave’ – she didn’t think I was being very helpful. After that, no more talk about black sand from her.
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@ Kinch
Thanks for the advise.
When i went there (thailand) i am traveling with one of my best friend from office and both girls and we never been to thailand before. Most of the time thailand guys will think that we’re from thailand (thai girls) so they speak with us with thai language, and quite nice.
Only had problem with Bangkok tuk tuk.
About going to bali, i think i know what you’re mean here. I met a friend there, and we decide to do a bit shopping, and the shop owner always said that he is my “guest” i am tired saying no or explain it, so what so ever, i don’t care… i just want to have fun staying there. Some of them think im not indonesian, and speak english with me.. and they okay. But some that see my black hair and light tanned skin will treat me like a whore. Also the key is, if you’re with a bule friend, never ask him to pay…well hehe if he just a friend… some balinese like that view hehehehe… (indonesian woman paying for western guy food? hehe rare !!).
But still good idea to bring a child hehehehehe….. (but i can’t flirt ! ouch !!!)
ill go back again to bali.. but not soon.. just focus on thai now and save some money hehe.. just book my return ticket this morning.. from Phuket to Singapore only cost me about Rp 600,000 its cheap. Flight ticket from my city to jakarta is 400,000-600,000 (could you imagine that?)… thats why i rather go to malaysia or singapore or thailand rather to bali !! -
Peter says:
Wow I’m late reading this but enjoyed the post, Clare. All the best for your granddaughter.
As for the reasons for the community’s response, I agree it seems more a cultural issue than a religious one. I’d imagine out of wedlock births are equally scandalous in Christian communities throughout Java. Perhaps another cultural thing: not wearing condoms. The common rationale I’ve heard (from women) is that wearing them is “tidak enak”. I’d suppose birthing a child is a bit “tidak enak” itself…
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@ Farah…
maybe I’ll join you to fly to Bangkok someday..My grandmother’s brother’s family is living there.
I have 10 aunts & uncles there. There are 3 aunts & 6 uncles who are still living in Thailand (Bangkok and Chiang Mai) till now, and 1 of them is living in California..And that’s mean ====> no need to look for a hotel …. hahahaha 😆
same as when I went to Singapore, I just called my cousin, and then I get a room in her house, beside my lovely niece’s room in second floor… hehehe*dasar, carinya yang murah, kalau perlu gratisan… hahaha 😀
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@ Farah: then maybe best beach for you is batu ferringhi @ penang. quick and easy to get there!
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@ Farah
…wait..wait… are you working at field too ?? hehehe same.. working in oil and gas refinery here in sumatra jungle..
Well, not really at field… I’m a Tax Manager, so I’m working in an office in Jakarta. But in this case, I always face Tax Investigation in every year, Customs Investigation once in 2 years, and also Tax Court when we applied.
In every investigation, the tax or customs investigators always needed to visit our warehouse in every branch to did stock opname (my company has 11 branches all over Indonesia, and 4 branches in overseas), and check all documents there. That’s why I always have to company them, avoid they will find something from documents and warehouse activities.
That’s my expertize, and I never lose in every cases, even in Tax Court 😉
hehehe… -
@fmf: What you are really saying is that you got family background/contacts and this multinational hired you to help bribe all the trouble makers to go away. Just thought I’d put it in plain english for visitors to this website who don’t know how to read between the lines 🙂
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@ kinch
Bribe? Bribed who? I never bribed anyone. I did them clean by using Tax & Customs Rules. Using LOOPHOLES.
Only the expert one can read loopholes in those rules, and win the case fairly 😉
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Hmmm, according to my last posting… 😉
Maybe that’s why my coleagues in Tax and Customs Company, even my coleagues in Customs Intelligent mentioned me as a “Queen of Grey Area”… as I always found “grey areas” of Tax and Customs rules by learning a lots for weeks or months, during the investigation, and then break their findings at the last day in closing conference and it’s legal, without bribery…. 😀Wow!! You can imagine how satisfied I was when I went out from the meeting room.
It is more great than an orgasm… hahaha 😛And ofcourse, winning the case = big bonus for me is waiting 😉
But fortunately, tax and customs people never hate me, they even like me, and they learned a lot from me to how handle the other tax payers who will do the same as me… breaking their findings by loopholes…… hahaha 😆
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@fmf:
1) tell us another one.
2) you obviously need a new man and/or should read cosmo more carefully. unfortunately i’ve already given my heart to farah 🙂
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thanks kinch…
but I already have a boyfriend, so I don’t need any man to be close to me but him for now 😉 -
@fmf:
I’m sure your bf will be pleased to know that busting the tax man’s ass is more orgasm-inducing than his personal mini-me 😀
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@fmf: i wonder who issued that fatwa? 🙂
Which makes me think. Someone should google ‘ask the imam’ and see if they can get a fatwa issued on the permissibility of durians. Right thinking people need to know.