Ramadan etiquette for unbelievers, by Purba Negoro.

Etiquette during Ramadan

Many foreign nationals in Indonesia may feel a little confused during Ramadan – the fasting period.

Ramadan is similar to the Christian Lent – we Muslims elect to fast and abstain from pleasures of the flesh or things we like to for many reasons:

• develop inner strength
• greater humility
• gain favour from God
• lose weight
• appear pious to others for status
• etc.

The ideal of Ramadan is to sacrifice one’s desires for something greater, and truly comprehend the life of the destitute – living day to day on empty stomach – instilling in greater awareness of the poor and being more charitable.

Often many indigenous Catholics, especially Javanese, will join the fast too (or in part) – this can be from cultural solidarity, habit, or the idea that prayer and self-deprivation will create better relationship with God. When I was taught in Jesuit school in Central Java- although I and 80%+ classmates were Muslim – all were encouraged by the Romo (Javanese) to fast to make us more humble, more charitable and develop inner strength.

There is already a very strong background for self-deprivation in Indonesia from Hinduism.

Desire – which in Ramadan we are trying to gain mastery of- is taught by the Hindu’s as the root cause of all pain and anguish: “all desire is pain” – and seek to attain “kriyamana karma”: liberty from desire.

The 12 Hindu defined desires to experience or receive are the ‘rasas’:

• raudra – anger
• adbuta- – wonder
• shringara – sex
• hasya – laughter
• vira – bravery or heroism
• daya – mercy
• dasya – closer union with God
• sakya – community
• bhayanaka – horrors/murders/etc
• wibatsa – desire to cause or experience shock
• santi – desire to cause or experience neutrality
• watsalya – desire to be a parent

Mastery over all of these creates a state of readiness for Nirwana – heaven.

In Kejawen belief system – heavily influenced by the Hindu, the Buddhist and very probably pre-existing belief – self-harm and self-sacrifice are a requisite to attaining one’s true wishes. In the Kejawen mind fasting is very much like the Hindu kiyamana karma – attaining a higher self through self-deprivation.

Ramadan Etiquette for non Muslims:

Although we live in a secular nationalist society, the fact is we live very closely with a community that is 87% Muslim. We Indonesians, especially the Javanese, try our very best to avoid insult through words or actions in our everyday lives. It is then considered good etiquette or form to behave in public in a manner that is sensitive to others.

Some things to avoid:

Not eating or drinking in public – this means not eating or drinking when walking along shops, in malls etc. If you need to eat or drink outside of an eatery – try and do it in a private setting.

The idea is that you are almost rubbing in their face you an eat and they cannot – thus your religion is superior or you are tempting them away from their goals.

Maybe you’re just thirsty – but like picking your nose because it is itchy- it can be taken the wrong way. It is just polite not to do this.

Not getting mad – this means cutting your employees, waiters, maids, etc some extra slack. Remember they have not eaten or drank since 4:30 or so am and feel crappy, light-headed and cannot concentrate.
Please be patient and bare with things.

Remember: to them it is not simply a choice to fast- it is an obligation. So take a deep breath (or many) and just think of maids etc like children. They need patience as well as tough love- now is time for patience.

Not dressing provocatively or groping in public: One of the hardest things of Ramadan is no sex. Can you imagine the frustration? So this means dressing appropriately for the culture – no hotpants etc and being a little more sensitive.

Public groping here is quite a no-no- so even better avoided as well. If you need to squeeze your beloveds’ bottom – or kiss passionately – you go do privately, curtains drawn.

This is not acquiescence to Islam – this is merely good manners. In fact – as many expat (especially American) will agree the West has a lot to re-learn about sexual self-control, public modesty and humility – so why not help erase a bad stereotype.

Tipping & Offering some “buka puasa money”: Some westerners dislike tipping on principle or whatever. Very frankly: too bad – no one else cares – it is our culture, just get used to it.

Whenever possible, please tip. A good tipping amount is Rp 2000 or whatever small change you have BUT Rp 500 in Jakarta is just being mean. Rp 10000 is probably the maximum tip to give outside restaurant – the point is tip – but do not send yourself bankrupt too. Tipping in Indonesian culture means you appreciate the job or help someone has given you.

In the West a smile and thankyou is often sufficient. Like in USA, unfortunately these do not help pay for food for those on minimum wage. So please tip.

It is good manners to offers to tip a little more generously during Ramadan.

Offering some small money like Rp 5000 or less to your home servants or individual service staff helping you at time close to buka puasa: opening the fast – is very good form.

For a group- this is quite unnecessary and quickly expensive- but even offering to buy “kolak” (special sweet coconut-milk desert for breaking fast) for your employees is very good manners too.

By offering to buy breaking fast food – or a little extra money for “buka puasa” – you are showing in a concrete way your sensitivity and understanding of their sacrifice- you are not then “typical arrogant bule”- you’re being one of the good ones.

Ramadan is not a fun holiday like Christmas- it is serious time for introverted prayer and reflection. Being sensitive and aware to this is not only very endearing but it is simply good manners. Fasting is not a whim or personal choice- it is a serious religious obligation. Remember unlike the West such as in Europe, Indonesia remains a very religious nation- the poorer nations often are.

Maybe no-one ever told expats how to appropriately behave during this period – but now at least some know.