Indonesian Memories

Oct 1st, 2011, in Featured, Society, by

On my way to work each morning I pass the symbols of U.S. global dominance, the Washington monument, the White House, and the Pentagon, the Potomac River, but I haven’t felt more impotent and frustrated than the 8th grade. Obama may be a rock star, but Brothers, over here and away from Jakarta, we’re just middle-aged schmucks.

The 22-year old blonde intern at the office sneers at your paunch, grey hairs and 90s-era loafers. The sanitized smile of the Latina Barista at Starbucks says,

don’t even think of asking for my number

The MILFs to be, hitting their early thirties at the gym, look up from their CrossFit or Pilates classes and look at you like you’re a sex offender.

The humiliation comes from two fronts, in two forms: like two fists swinging at the same time … and it’s hard to tell which is more painful.

Perhaps they’re equally bad. There’s certainly no mouth guard to ease the pain. The two fists raining down on you are by no means covered in gloves.

Is it the lithe, 20-30-something who ensures you see her rolling her eyes before you even notice her? Is it her cell phone conversation that suddenly turns sardonic about how she’s scared of walking alone on the sidewalk?

Or is it the other extreme: Obese and longing for a first love, she wears a black shirt and a tacky flower-patterned skirt, constantly looking up from her book at Starbucks, hoping against hope to make eye contact?

Based on false assumptions, she looks you over and sees you, single. She can tell you haven’t been laid in a while. Indeed, it’s all but impossible to hide … or is it?

Can she just glance you over and assumed you’ve never tasted the high life? That you have no standards whatsoever? That you have never shared sheets with some of the most seductively sultry women on planet earth? That somehow, in some way, you’re not the big loser you seem?

That once upon a time you were somebody: That you had the wit wisdom and intelligence of a man in his early forties, with the lifestyle inherent in college years … with the lifestyle of a middle class Saudi Arabian exchange student to boot?

That once upon a time you were a denizen of a town known as Jakarta.

Fifty Shades of GreyIn desperation, you randomly hit on that lonely-looking frumpy wallflower type reading “50-Shades of Gray” on the train.

I don’t think so

she says,

I kinda like being single.

(She clearly hasn’t been laid since 9/11). But her Alaska-sized ass, fed by endless nights of Ho-Hos and chick-flicks tells a different story.

Jakarta Bar GirlI know there’s another way. It’s called Indonesia and freezing my ass off on one off those D.C mornings, commuting amidst all the suburban stiffs, I’ve never yearned for anything more. The memory of honey-skinned Babes, gyrating against me at nightclubs, taking my taxi money in the morning, their numbers cramming my cell phone, keeps my hope alive in the grey despair at the heart of the world’s superpower.

Soon I’ll go back and leave all those over-entitled, whining, over-fed white women behind me forever.

HotChocoMama35Online dating was even worse. “HotChocoMama35” was her screen name, a single African American Mom, “looking for a good time” from Baltimore. I should’ve known. After climbing five floors through a crack den infested, semi-diseased complex in the Projects, HotChocoMama35 turned out to be a Walrus-sized mound of caramel blubber surrounded by empty KoolAid bottles, channel surfing on a mildewed couch covered in cumstains from the ’70s. After a rant about how her 18-year son blew his chances for the army over a drug conviction, I left. The following dates, all with Heffalump Single Moms, weren’t any better.

FeministHell, back in Jakarta, I wouldn’t have looked twice at Starbucks Barrista or CrossFit Babe, (let alone HotChocoMama35), anyway. Flash back to that Kemang, Jakarta party three years ago. Me, pinned against a wall listening to a sexually-frustrated NGO manager breathing beer breath all over me, ranting about feminism and “the Men in this Town”. What she really meant was young, single White Men in this town. Add to that, AusAid/USAID/World Bank/ Mercy Corps/Take Your Pic NGO/babe. I could’ve had them all. But an hour later, after a quick stop at D’s place in Blok M, I had a hardbody from Indramayu on my arm and NGO/AusAid/USAID chick was nothing but a bad memory that faded on the first blowjob.

Sure, I’m 43, overweight, unfit, bad fashion sense, no style. But hey, I can kick back talking Indy films, Indy bands, bad backpacking stories, cook up a mean Pasta Putanesca, the older guy benefits. Back in Indonesia those snooty bitches were competing to get down my pants. Here in D.C., I don’t even get a look in.

Why fight the tide? The thing is, I don’t think even the hottest and most eligible D.C. men would put up with the crap if they knew the truth and what was out there.

A sense of adventure and idealism sent me out to Southeast Asia, but the global financial crisis sent me back. On first arrival in Indonesia, I started teaching English, as do so many, looking to use my shitty business degree to get a better job and think about grad school. I did some aid contracting, copy writing, and a series of odd jobs before landing a gig as a manager with a services company. The tsunami got me back into aid and on the slow train to D.C. (Can’t tell you f**kers any more lest torch my future job chances.)

One thing I’ve learned since: Feminism has given American women and White Women in general an unrealistic sense of entitlement and an arrogance that gives any Asia veteran an instant soft-on. None of the rejections every really bothered me. Those dates were just a half-hearted alternative to jerking off to any number of free Asian porn sites. The Brit women were the worst, both in Jakarta and D.C.: Sarcastic, mossy-toothed, opinion-machines, who thought they were being sexy and “sassy”. Sorry, Luv, I didn’t vote on the Invasion of Iraq, save your rants for the BBC comments page. The Ab-Fab women were ugly and please don’t breathe on me either.

I would’ve been into it once, maybe back at college. A lay’s a lay, I would’ve thought, taking NGO chick back home, banging her a few times, then be done with it. But out in the tropics, in South East Asia, there’s just so much more to choose from.

Indo Cupid Dating siteIf you want to put a bit of work in, you can go to Red Square, find an office girl on the make, buy her a few drinks and usually score. Or try one of the sites like IndoCupid or Date In Asia. If you want a job done on a deadline, of course, call a professional. Jakarta offers the consumer a smorgasboard of choices. Cut a deal with a massage girl, drop in to Blok M. Then there’s Hotel Travel down in Kota. Once you know what you’re doing, you can usually get service with a smile. And no diatribes about Virginia Woolfe or the unfinished mission of Feminism. The boys at, can help. (But do read the f–kng forum before asking any questions).

The irony is that not even work is going well over here. Donations to non profits and beltway contractors dried up in the GFC. At first, things were looking up. Own office overlooking the White House. Staff, (mostly annoying interns). My college and credit card debt shrunk a little but not nearly enough to get financing on an apartment. Then the layoffs started, some of them hitting my formerly-smug 30 and 40-something married friends. Their kids had long passed the cute stage and were starting to turn into spoiled, tech-addicted annoying pre-teens. Conversations at the bar in Jakarta centred around sports, beer, getting laid, politics, business and work – real guys stuff. Here I have to listen to crap about ADD, gluten intolerance, co-parenting, prostate exams, and how to rekindle waning marriages.

I’m torn on whether or not to help these guys or keep Asia’s best-kept secret. Deep down, I know if these guys knew what I did about Asia, there wouldn’t be a single married white woman in D.C. There’d be a mass exodus to Asia, Thailand, Indonesia, the Philippines, Vietnam, hell even Bangladesh if that’s your thing. (Take extra deodorant though). Sorry NGO chick: that’s why most ex pat marriages collapse in Jakarta: you can’t compete.

So I’m pulling out all stops to get back to Asia, preferably Indonesia. D.C, London, Canberra – all relationship and sexual graveyards. I hope in my lifetime, the armies of berated, middle-aged White Men will wake up and migrate to Asia en masse, if only to broaden the human gene pool. It’s not as if NGO/Aid chick doesn’t have an option. There’s a whole miserable continent of poverty and strapping horny men waiting for her: Africa. It’ll be good for the CV and even better … she can take some of those ugly D.C. and Jakarta white chicks and get them off our backs. Everybody wins.

35 Comments on “Indonesian Memories”

  1. Patrick says:

    Ridiculously fun read…LOL!!!

    Having spent considerable time in Indonesia I know exactly where your coming from but really American girls aren’t not anything like you described. That’s more the exception then the rule. There is more to a woman than just banging them all the time and if you ask Indonesia girls how long the average relationship last with a bule they will tell you approximately 3 months. Please don’t get me wrong they are fun but all that damn manipulation gets tiresome. My favorite women in Asia were from Singapore. Great gals with western style education and plenty to discuss besides what new family member needs money to pay for his school, her class trip, mom’s electrical bill and dad’s cigarettes. I also met a woman from Ho Chi Minh who was a university professor and the last I heard she was teaching in Augsburg. There is no substitution for smart women and unfortunately that rules out 99.9% of Indonesian women. Too bad because they are so beautiful.

  2. deta says:

    Guest writer, friend,

    I have no objection whatsoever if you keep insisting on feminist bashing and pseudo admiration for Asian women. But one thing you must’ve known better. Someone who enjoys Fifty Shades of Gray will not be a fan of chick flicks.

  3. DCGuy says:

    @ Deta,

    Sure, whatever, Chick Flicks, Eat Pray Love, 50 Shades of Grey, Why Men Marry Bitches, all crap, all same to me, from the same part of the bookshop. Though getting back from Indonesia I worried about the last part myself. As mentioned in the article, DC guys just don’t know what’s out there I’ll take a kampung chick in one of those Mumu things any day.

  4. Andrews says:

    This is satire, right? I just can’t believe an expat this stereotypical really exists.

  5. DCGuy says:

    @ Patrick, Andrews, of course he exists. And he’ll be you guys soon enough. I’m trying, indirectly to start an internet support group for guys who’ve been forced to ‘go native’ in their home countries. God how awful. I just don’t know whether or not to blow the lid on Indonesia and Jakarta, Asia’s best-kept secret.

  6. ken burns says:

    A petty shocking article – I love it.

  7. shawty says:

    Patrick has serious point to consider even I am Indonesian girl myself
    if I ever be a bule I will choose Singaporean lady that still has the beauty of asian with western thinking as long not too western!
    rather than desperate, full of drama, lazy and not intelligence Indonesian girls
    sure everyone have their cup of tea
    what u can sell and what u can get/needs

    indo girls – bule relationship last for max 3 months *laughs so true lol

  8. timdog says:

    Ah… a throwback glimmer of the IM glory days. Would that Achmad, AAB, Purbo Negoro et al were here to weigh in. Hell, even Mister Ross would be welcome to join.
    Ou sont les neiges d’antan, as they say…

  9. D.C. Guy says:

    @ Timdog, who are those guys ? What did you think of the quality of the writing…;p he he he.

  10. timdog says:

    You know them not, sir? Truly? How very sad.

    And the quality of the righting? Good; very good; good enough to parody, almost, and could certainly be expanded and stuck inside a black cover with a picture of a glossy-haired, scantily-clad Asian woman viewed from behind and a title along the lines of “Jakarta Velvet” or some such.
    Folks concerned about the “quality of their writing” are rare as hen’s teeth.

  11. DCGuy says:

    Ah, Timdog, Timdog, you just might catch the scent of Petunia oil if you pay attention ;p …

  12. timdog says:

    I did catch a faint whiff in the last reply, you know, but I wasn’t sure if it was wishful thinking, or whether a diminutive Javanese ghost really had just passed through these empty halls…

  13. ET says:

    deta said

    Someone who enjoys Fifty Shades of Gray will not be a fan of chick flicks.

    Why not? They are opposite sides of the same coin, the key to unlock the ‘Mystery of the Black Hole’. For those who may still be interested, of course.

  14. deta says:


    They are opposite sides of the same coin, the key to unlock the ‘Mystery of the Black Hole’

    You’re probably right. Makes me wonder if it’s possible that EL James and S Hawking do collaboration for their next work. Say, writing about submission of black holes, or something. Or even better, they can ask some feminists to join and write about how black hole’s submission hitting the next level of feminism, or something.

  15. agan says:

    I’ll take a kampung chick in one of those Mumu things any day.

    Lol……this is what I like about a bule with a plan, he doesnt let no Mumu dress get in his way to fulfilling his destiny here.
    If you are all happy to be kinda eeny guy -you know eeny meeny miny moe ? -and dont need to bother to be a moe person, then booya, more power to you.

    Nobody blames you if you’d take a random kampung seksi jamu barrista over any Potomac Starbuck’s and I would think that the Governator himself would approve your message!

  16. DCGuy says:


    Don’t get what you mean by eeny. And yes, of course, Governator proved himself to be a bule basi by gettin’ jiggy with his pembantu.

  17. DCGuy says:

    I must say, I’m a bit disappointed with the reaction from our Feminist sisters, whose silence is deafening. I over stated my case a bit (but not that much) to incite them.

  18. timdog says:

    Well, I was going to – ahem – rise on their behalf, but that would have been awfully paternalistic of me…

  19. DCGuy says:

    What’s happened to the formerly opinionated, impassioned hordes here ?

  20. Patrick says:

    @DCGUY – Your article should have been entitled “More of the Same” as you offered us nothing more than Salisbury steak after we have been eating hamburgers and meatloaf. We have discussing Indonesian girls and bule men for years. What IM needs are more current news topics that we haven’t debated to death such as the high school violence between rival schools and just as importantly we need to attract Indonesian people to this site. My guess is that we have not successfully done so, in great numbers, because the native English speakers probably seem intimidating to the average Indonesian person trying to use English. Management has to be more diligent in getting Indonesians to use this site as IM has huge potential for serious discussion on relevant issues affecting the nation and world. Well that’s my 2 cents….

  21. timdog says:

    No one playing a tune for them to dance to for far too long, the dalang lost interest in the shadow play, and Semar seems to have vanished…

    I’ve got this piece I wrote a while back, basically an Indonesian rip-off of Binyavanga Wainaina’s “How to Write About Africa” (and something tell’s me you might like that piece, if you’ve not already read it, DCGuy), that I was thinking of giving to Mister Patung, but I suspect it would play to an empty theatre…

  22. stevo says:

    What’s happened to the formerly opinionated, impassioned hordes here ?

    I must say, I’m a bit disappointed with the reaction from our Feminist sisters, whose silence is deafening.

    I think the hordes have largely vented on the Dating Indonesian Girls thread, as have the feminist harpies who are so repulsed by reality.

    For all the social engineering, that infects Western society, people stubbornly stick to being human. People are funny like that…

  23. DCGuy says:

    @ Patrick, you mean all those articles that you’ve written ? Oh, that’s right, you haven’t written any…

  24. Patrick says:

    @DCGUY – Fair enough about not writing any articles here. Ok I do owe at least one and will do it. Give me until early next week to figure something out. Thanks!

  25. DCGuy says:

    @ Patrick, sure thing man. No shortage of material.

  26. deta says:

    I must say, I’m a bit disappointed with the reaction from our Feminist sisters, whose silence is deafening. I over stated my case a bit (but not that much) to incite them.

    IMHO, that’s probably where the problem lies, Pak. You exaggerated the case too much it’s obviously a satire and ceased to be as response-provoking. The writing is more amusing than insulting, even the slapping can’t be that hard when conveyed in such hilarious manner. 🙂

  27. DCGuy says:

    Well, I’m not doing very well, Deta, I also tried to wind you up with some mild sexism. ; p But my Australian friends FB posts tell me their Prime Minister went on an anti misogynist tirade in parliament, so maybe she read it.

  28. bonni says:

    Dear writer, it seems like you are a little bit traumatized by the NGO chicks, I feel sorry for you. I do. Better luck next time :p

  29. Nay says:

    But my Australian friends FB posts tell me their Prime Minister went on an anti misogynist tirade in parliament, so maybe she read it.

    We could probably have a debate about the influence of women on civilization… and whether countries where women have more freedom are more sophisticated than places where men rule and women have no freedom.

    I honestly think there’s some merit to that debate.
    Places where women have more mobility typically manage to exert more pressure on their male populace to work hard and improve the place.
    Places where men rule with an iron fist usually have AK47s all over the place.

  30. DCGuy says:

    Nay, yes, yes, yadda, yadda, yadda, could we please keep the conversation to the woes of middle aged men forced back home from Asia ?

Comment on “Indonesian Memories”.

RSS feed

Copyright Indonesia Matters 2006-20
Privacy Policy | Terms of Use | Contact