Achmad ventures into the world of advice columns.

Achmad ventures into the world of advice columns.

Dear Friend,

Have you ever been trawling around the Internet and found one of those dumb advice sites, like refdesk.com which allows you to “Ask the Experts”. How can they have any credibility when they haven’t asked Achmad, a reknown international expert on insults, Ukuleles, cabaret singing, picking up chicks in malls and many other topics?

No doubt, this is another sneaky trick by the White Man to prevent the rise of Mojopahit. That said, Friend, I asked a few questions of my own. Names withheld to protect the guilty and the gullible.

1. To the Home Safety Expert:

Q: My sister left me to babysit her kids (five and six years old), on the weekend and when I came home I found them playing a game called, “knifey-knifey,” which involves jabbing a knife in and out of a power point. Instead, I suggested a game called, “Mr. Toaster”, which is similar, but involves jabbing a fork, knife, or metal spoon in and out of a toaster. They said it would be more fun to play if the toaster was turned on. Are either of these activities dangerous?

A. Well, Achmad, jabbing a fork into a turned-on toaster could complete the circuit, administering an electric shock to the holder of said fork. For a five or six year old child, such an electric shock could cause unconsciousness and possibly death, depending on the wiring in your house. Not only is it dangerous, but possibly illegal and your sister may sue you for criminal negligence. A bigger question is why she would do something so stupid as to leave them with you in the first place.

2. To an Etiquette Expert:

Q. My 76-year old neighbor, Mrs. Brown, a retiree, widow pensioner, left me to take care of her apartment and cat “Whiskers” while she visited her daughter and grandkids in another state for Christmas. I plugged my playstation into her 16″ flatscreen and cleaned out the cupboard. After a few days, though, Whiskers started to bore me and piss me off, so I threw the little bastard off the balcony on the 30th floor. Now I don’t have to feed it. Firstly, was it my responsibility to clean up Whisker’s remains from the carpark (I cussed out a couple of cleaners and told them to get to it). Secondly, should I tell her about Whiskers and was that rude ?

A. Not only was it rude, but illegal. As an etiquette expert, this is the first time in a 50-year career I’ve said this, but you sound like a real asshole, Achmad. Deliberately throwing a cat out of a 30th floor window is not just animal cruelty, but animal murder. Cleaning up the poor animal’s remains is a side question as to why you took away this woman’s pet and a source of joy in her life. I have a good mind to take your IP address and report you to the RSPCA. As a widow and pensioner myself, I’m very disturbed by your story.

3. To the New York Expert:

Q. I am a gentleman from Indonesia, the world’s largest Muslim country. On a recent trip to the U.S.A, I heard some young Negro men referring to each other as “Nigger, ” or “My Nigger.” Eager to blend in with the local culture, I took to doing the same, but this seemed to make them very angry. In New York, I ordered the waiter to, “hey My Nigga, bring me a menu!” The scoundrel told security who roughly escorted me from the premises! I find this behaviour particularly offensive as many Blacks in my city of Jakarta are drug dealers and money launderers from Nigeria.

A. Well, I don’t know about Indonesian culture, but in the U.S.A, it is considered deeply offensive to refer to an African-American or person of color as “nigger”. Some African Americans, especially aged 30 and under, have “reclaimed” the term, as you might have heard in so-called “Gangsta Rap.” But this is generally only considered acceptable from other African Americans.

4. To the Office Expert.

Q. Hi. I’ve always been a quiet, unassuming type and recently took a personal assertiveness course to “reclaim my power”, in the quest for a promotion and career advancement. After the course, I drafted a long memo to my boss, the owner of a small computer marketing company, expressing my concern for the stupidity of his business strategy. I also offered some advice on his hair-style, telling him to ditch the comb-over and bad fashion sense. In daily planning meetings, I started telling jokes like, “hey everyone did you hear about the boss of a small company who had chronic erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation and couldn’t boost sales — all in one week”. Admittedly, no one laughed at the last joke and the boss has seemed a bit cold lately. Do you think I might have gone too far? Achmad.

A. It’s probably a good time to start looking for another job. You can probably also forget a reference. There’s assertiveness and stupidity. Openly insulting the boss or your superior is a stupid thing to do in any walk of life, especially if you want a promotion. Your letter – for other readers – illustrates an extreme case of lack of emotional intelligence, often called “E.Q.” For you Achmad, I’d either stick to interacting with computers or have a deep think about your social skills.