Picking Up Girls

Dec 8th, 2007, in Opinion, Society, by

Achmad’s Tips on Picking Up Babes in Malls: Part 1.

Achmad Sudarsono

Achmad’s Tips on Picking Up Babes in Malls: Part 1.

Not all of you can expect to achieve the nation-wide fame and sex appeal of Achmad overnight. It takes class, effort, and mastery of an elusive art such as hoola-hoop dancing or playing the Ukuele. But with dilligent study of Achmad’s timeworn techniques, most of you gentlemen can quickly become unstoppable sex magnets.

At 5 ft 1 “, 120 pounds, and staring out from big, googly, spectacles (see Avatar), I am no Brad Pitt. Why then, do so many of Indonesia’s most desirable women beg me in desperation to give them private poetry readings and share a little Achmad lovin’ ?

Here are are some of my secrets. Enjoy, my Indonesia Matters friends.

Firstly, pick your hunting ground. For up-market babes, Plaza Senayan has timeless class, but is considered a bit “basi” or past-it, by some. You can try EX at Plaza Indonesia or Plaza Semanggi.

I, however, prefer to get “close to the people,” by hanging around the crowded electronics malls in Glodok, and those bridge-type walk overs. I find they are good places to find naive village girls who don’t know my tricks.

Sometimes, my batik shirt and peci is a novelty at places like Dragonfly or Embassy. But once the girls see my dance-moves, a combination of cha-cha, break-dancing, jaipongan and dangdut, they’re goners.

Why, some of you may ask, is an exemplary Muslim like Achmad cruising for babes ? Because, Friend, in Islam we are allowed four wives. Tragically, three of my wives, Nongoh, Inem, and Wongso, couldn’t cope with the intensity of my love for the ukuele, leaving in the night. Now, I must fill the gap. Before marriage, there is pacaran.

How to Score Babes at Malls in Jakarta and Indonesia.

  • Wear your best clothes and groom carefully.

Before trawling the malls, I carefully comb my moustache, liberally applying Arabian perfume oil. Then I dust off my peci and don my favourite silk batik or Safari suit. (If Safari suit, I wear a pin displaying the Garuda Pancasila).

Sometimes, if Bules are my targets (victims), I compromise and wear some Australian “board” shorts, usually Billabongs and sandal jepit, quaintly known as “thongs” Down Under.

  • Prepare some pick-up lines.

My trademark line is to say, with a sly and casual wink,

“hey there, what’s cookin’, good lookin,”

to the nearest saucy filly. Another classic is,

“hey, your mother must’ve been a thief. It looks like she stole the stars out of the skies and put them in your eyes.”

Try to come up with your own lines, because I’ve used both of those on most of the women in most of the malls in Jakarta.

  • Talk about your accomplishments.

Mine include winning the Djoget Dangdut 72 jam competition at Ancol, climbing the greasy pole for independence day, and, of course, hoola-hoop dancing and playing the ukuele.

  • Don’t be shy to show physical affection, before you know the girl/woman, or have even met her!

I usually employ a “power-wheel,” slap to the rump and then a bit of a squeeze. (The power-wheel was inspired by the guitar playing of Pete Townsend, lead guitarist of the rock band The Who).

  • Equip your lair.

Once you’ve snared the victim, you’ll need a location to read her your poetry, and whatever else you might both cook up. I like to spray some Axe deodorant in the air, and scatter some hip records around the place. Although many of today’s twenty-somethings pretend to like new bands, deep down they’re suckers for golden oldies, like Koes Ploes, God Bless, and Rhoma Irama and Sundanese singer Darso.

  • If you get slapped or rejected at first (as Achmad often has been), simply laugh loudly.

And say,

“you’ll come around in the end – they all do.”

She’ll be impressed by your courage and suaveness.

55 Comments on “Picking Up Girls”

  1. Stefan says:

    Are you American or why do you use feet and pounds?

  2. Achmad Sudarsono says:


    The pounds I’m mainly interested in are those hugging the rump of those feisty fillies in Plaza Indonesia. Va Va Voom !

    American English seems to be dominant, but admittedly, I flit back and forth across in the Atlantic in style, like the globe-trotting ladies man that I am.

    Merdeka !

  3. falcon says:

    If there is a census, most likely 90% of the population is ugly. Which one is your choice?.

  4. Aluang Anak Bayang says:

    falcon Says: +0

    December 8th, 2007 at 1:51 pm
    If there is a census, most likely 90% of the population is ugly. Which one is your choice?.

    Something tells me that you are interested only in boys. Typical English teacher or shelves stacker.

  5. Wilson says:

    The last comment about “typical English teacher” being “interested only in boys” is pretty low…is Aluang really Ross using a local name?

  6. Dragonwall says:

    Chicks cookin..Black lookin..GOSONG…..

  7. Oigal says:

    Assmad has not really “told it like it is” here.. Its biggest point of Interest for the opposite sex (not that they would touch it) is IT has two penises albeit small.

    Easily proven..noone could be this silly just playing with one.

  8. Achmad Sudarsono says:

    Dear All,

    Oigal’s comment is true. He asked me to send him photos. But, my Indonesia Matters friends, showers aren’t necessarily growers and vice versa. I wasn’t even at half mast. In my fully unfurled glory, it’s like the Pillars of Hercules.

    Va Va Voom !

    Merdeka !

  9. Anita McKay says:

    First of all, why does Achmad think it’s necessary to give tips about picking up girls? Is it because most of male readers of Indonesia Matters are so lousy in dating games they need advices from someone like Achmad?

    Second, why malls? Worse, why Plaza Semanggi? Is it because lots of college students go there, is Achmad targetting very young, naive girls?

    Third, if Achmad has practiced his own theories and failed (many times, as he claims), then how others could follow? Just to have fun, getting a slap in the face on sunny Sunday afternoon? Is Achmad into BDSM?

    Last, the whole advice is funny. Couldn’t stop laughing Achmad grooming his mustache and roaming around malls with his peci”¦

    PS: and I thought girls go to malls for shopping! I should warn my girlfriends about a “5 ft 1 “, 120 pounds” guy, who’s “staring out from big, googly, spectacles” and looks like the antithesis of Brad Pitt, showing his Peter Townsend moves to no-one at malls. Achmad darling, kindly share your social schedule so we could avoid you please, especially because I’m going back home for holiday next week!

  10. Achmad Sudarsono says:

    Dear Anita,

    Your friends can contact me for a little lovin’ , poetry and Koes Ploes on achmadtellsit@yahoo.com

    On advice, for guys like Ross, it’s obvious. They need all the help they can get. But I always just want to share the love. Every man dreams of being a latter-day Casanova and having the same effect on girls the Beatles did in the ’60s. I can help Indonesia Matters men achieve that dream.

    Guys, also check out “Oli Arab” in Lampu Merah newspaper. We’ll get on to “Ma Erot” a bit later…

  11. Yohan says:

    HAha, Achmad’s face is so funny, but, I couldn’t agree more with Anita.
    If you want to TP2, night market will be a good place Achmad.

  12. parvita says:

    Achmad is Sumanto’s twin brother. Sumanto, the cannibal. Btw, the posting is hillarious!

  13. Achmad Sudarsono says:

    Dear Parvita,

    I hope you don’t think I am joking. Friend, there are tens of thousands of lonely boys out there who could benefit from Achmad’s wisdom.

  14. iamisaid says:


    I am exempted from picking up girls.

    I once stayed in Bukit Tinggi for 4 days. During that time, my friend’s middle age sister said she find me a wife. Said she, I could leave my wife in Bkt. Tinggi but at least visit her once a year. I was shown a decent unoccupied house and told that it would become ours should I accept her marriage offer.

    That middle age woman was not kidding about it!

    I stumped her by saying that provided she finds the girl before midnight and I am not circumcised, Alhamdullilah! (It was 11:35 when I countered her offer)

  15. Achmad Sudarsono says:


    On Islam’s true path, the true circumcision happens in the mind. ($$#??!!).

    Friend, but be careful. There are alot of Parangs around in Bukittinggi. And those padang women can take matters into their own hands. Could be bloody. And painful.

    Va Va Voom ! Merdeka !

  16. Anita McKay says:

    Achmad I think you’re really in love with Parvita. Does she know about your dangdut trophy?

  17. iamisaid says:

    It that be the case Achmad (“On Islam’s true path, the true circumcision happens in the mind”), then I have been circumcised countless times !

  18. Marisa Duma says:

    Dear All,

    Oigal’s comment is true. He asked me to send him photos. But, my Indonesia Matters friends, showers aren’t necessarily growers and vice versa. I wasn’t even at half mast. In my fully unfurled glory, it’s like the Pillars of Hercules.

    Va Va Voom !

    Merdeka !


    This website is sicker than I thought.
    OH MY GOD ACHMAD..it’s December, Christmas time, sir.. go home..to your homeland..
    Hug your mama, wrap gifts, feed the pigeons, smell the fresh air of the Western world..
    This tropical sun is a bit too much for you…

    Indonesia will always welcome your return! We love ya.

  19. Aluang Anak Bayang says:

    At the moment I am in the land downunder on a solo business trip. Here all I need to get picked up by chicks is to walk into a bar and chat one up. Usually a pack of ciggi would do, or a can of beer. It is that easy especially you have a tan skin.

  20. iamisaid says:

    Down and under Wayyyy to go Aluang Anak Bayang !

    Go! Go! Go!

  21. Achmad Sudarsono says:

    Dear Anita,

    I just returned from a live performance at Blora in Jakarta, at “Achmad Unplugged,” playing, amongst other tunes, a cover of the Iwan Fals song, “Sunatan Massal.” I’m also a big fan of Gito Rollies and Bimbo.

    As for being in love with Parvita, like my idol Soekarno, I am in love with all of Indonesian womanhood. I salute him for naming a department store, Sarinah, after his wet nurse, the one who took his virginty. Va Va Voom !

    Dear Marisa,

    My hometown is Purbolingo. My homeland is Indonesia. Sometime I will play for you, (maybe via Mp3), “Kereta Api Malam,” and “Halo Halo Bandung,” on my Ukuele – that’s if you can handle my mojo.

    Merdeka !

  22. parvita says:

    Speaking about circumcision, I have an article on my blog about that. Would be interesting to know your view on it, Achmad, especially if you know that chopping your foreskin reduces its growth by 25%.

    Anita: I’m into dangdut too, actually. I’ve always had dangdut as my call waiting melody. I’m a big fan of Iwan Fals as well, currently my NSP is ‘ Guru Umar Bakri’. Some similarity with Achmad here…..scaaaarrrrryyyyyy…..

  23. Achmad Sudarsono says:

    Parvita, Friend,

    Do you mean chopping foreskin reduces ‘burung’ growth by 25 percent or foreskin growth. My main views on circumcision is that it should be a community affair, preferable down with at least 20 boys at once, with loud Dangdut in the background.

  24. dewaratugedeanom says:

    Slightly off topic but I wonder if Indonesia Matters is becoming a photo model agency. Or is it just my imagination?

  25. Dragonwall says:

    Achmad is a gay man. and iamisaid you are entrapped into a ‘kontrak kawin” duh… i suppose it was new to you then..huh..As could advice you better with his do t all magic goggle.

  26. iamisaid says:

    {amisaid you are entrapped into a ‘kontrak kawin”}

    Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha dragonwall,

    The proposed marriage would not be as threatening as being circumcised !!!

    Mannnnn, what do I tell my wife when I reach home walking like Donald Duck?
    “Oh that Darling – my fearsome got caught in the zip and I saw the entire galaxy”

  27. Dragonwall says:

    One thing in life is that when you are on your way to success, never try another hand on something new to you, like woman.

    The Chinese saying is that “There is a knife on above sex”. The character ‘ 色 ‘ in chinese for sex has a knife ‘ 刀 ‘written on top of it you see.

    You may not belief sex is dirty and in everyone’s life rich or poor, healthy or handicapped, good or bad.

    One other Chinese saying was also true ‘The feeling of being Poor has not end, sexual desire persist in his mind’ ‘ 穷心未死 , 色心åˆèµ· ‘.

    It may be just Duck Walk, the consequence will burnt a big hole in your pocket. Alimony my man.

  28. Anita McKay says:

    Achmad, I’ve been back to Indonesia for 2 days and thankfully I haven’t seen you wandering around malls picking up girls… or perhaps you’ve been to Martha Tilaar salon and had lulur and facial so you look better now?

  29. Achmad Sudarsono says:

    Dear Anita,

    Yes. It’s true. I went to Martha Tilaar salon. If you’d like to discuss further, drop me an e-mail on achmadtellsit@yahoo.com. But be warned, I am an Olympic-class charmer.

  30. Achmad Sudarsono says:


    BTW impressive, bro. Achmad.

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