Divorce Causes & Victims

Apr 10th, 2007, in Society, by

The causes of divorce, and adulterous women.

The main causes of divorce, says a report by the National Child Protection Commission (Komnas PA), are economic pressures (23%), followed by domestic squabbling (19%), incompatibilty (19%), interference by relatives (14%), violence (12%), adultery (8%), and sexual problems (3.6%). However these figures are based on only 109 cases.

Of the nine cases of divorce caused by adultery seven of these involved adultery committed by the woman. Arist Merdeka Sirait of Komnas PA says he was really suprised to learn this.

but that is what we found.

The divorce rate goes up every year, Arist says, by about 3%. In 2006 there were 3,000 cases of formally processed divorce in DKI Jakarta.

The main victims of divorce, says Arist, are children, the long term effects of divorce on children disturbs their development and they often are deprived of contact with some members of their family, both close and extended. tempo


40 Comments on “Divorce Causes & Victims”

  1. N.Rajagopal says:

    Every a seasonal effect. Young middle and old ages are the seasons. What you are enjoying or feeling bad are all occurances based with desires of short times. And they are not oriented with your Expectations and plans. Your dreas were different and the events are totaly contrary. Every one born to live and only a very little desire to go as saint. To get the feet of God the desire should be burried totally.

  2. diego says:

    Rajagopal:

    WTF?

  3. schmerly says:

    @ diego… Do you mean to say you don’t understand what N.Rajagopal is on about?

  4. Stephen says:

    Getting this topic back on track, it is interesting to me that both Dan, Burung Koel and myself were the faithful ones in our relationships. Dan and myself both had Indonesian wives (was Burung Koel’s wife also Indonesian?) This appears to provide evidence that it is not uncommon for it to be the wife to be the unfaithful partner in a marriage, whilst the husband is the faithful one desperately trying to make the marriage work.

    Dan’s story of how he accidentally logged in remotely to his home computer and became the horrified witness to his wife’s online conversation with an illicit lover, reminded me of when I was horrified to receive a text message obviously intended for my wife’s lover. This was at the same time I was desperately trying to save our marriage and she was promising to also make an effort. The text message was actually intened to talk about me behind my back to the other lover, who she referred to as “baby” (not a term she referred to me by.) This was the ultimate betrayal. When I received this text message and understood its implications all energy left my limbs. I felt numb, and I had to grab onto a desk to steady myself, then sit down (I was standing up at the time.) My legs were buckling under me at the knees, I am certain I would have fallen to the ground if the desk hadn’t been there to grab onto.

    I really think we shouldn;t be bringing religious differences into this, or using this thread as an excuse to preach our religious views.

    I respect Dan for what he has gone through, and I respect his right to his religious views, although I can see some contradictions. I notice Dan uses the word “whore” a lot. I wonder whether he used to refer to his wife as such when they were still together, or is this pejorative label only something he feels justfied in using now that they are divorced and he has moved on? The bit about deserving to be stoned to death for adultery-I sometimes felt this way about my wife after our relationship ended, that she was supposed to be the strict Muslim and everything, but she was the one who acted like a whore. I wondered whether she was aware that in some countries Muslim law is interpeted such that a woman should be stoned to death for what she did.

    But I also am aware that Jesus was sympathetic to sinners.
    When a woman was about to be stoned to death for adultery Jesus said, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Yet Dan would no doubt consider this to be “enabling” behaviour on Jesus’ part, and I won’t even repeat the things Dan said about people who go about with such “enabling” attitudes-because I don’t want to insult Jesus like Dan unwittingly did!

    Dan, I’m sure you think you are sincere about your religion, and you go to church and listen to the priests. But remember that Jesus wasn’t very big on all that organised religion stuff-he hated the hypocrisy and the corruption of it all. Jesus’ message was about forgiveness, not hatred, anger and retributuion.

    Dan, I am sorry to say that you appear to have totally missed Jesus’ message.
    I’m saddened.

    Jesus was for the sinners, he associated with the whores as you call them, and the lepers and the philistines and the sinners. He criticised organised religion and the hypocrites who claimed some kind of spiritual or moral superiority just because they clung to some pernicious strand of twisted religious dogma. That’s the real reason Jesus was crucified. Because of people who held attitudes like yours Dan. Think about it. I’m trying to help you, not to hurt you, because I feel there is still hope for you Dan.

    Forgive. Turn the other cheek. We are all sinners and have fallen short of God’s vision for us. So the first thing you can do to heal is to follow Jesus’ advice. You are a sinner too Dan, so don’t go around throwing stones or you may be surprised to find that you don’t end up where you think you will when you pass on…

    I hope this clears a few things up. I’ve forgiven my wife even though I still don’t know where she is and can’t get a divorce. I feel much better now knowing that although I was the innocent party in our marriage, like all of us I have sinned too in my life. So how can I stay angry at her without being a hypocrite?

  5. Dan says:

    Stephen, I sincerely appreciate what you are saying and I feel as though I can understand why someone might come to many of the conclusions I think you have come to.

    However, I think your understanding of the meaning of forgiveness is lacking in ways that is unfortunately all too uncommon as is your understanding of the dangers of hypocrisy and what it is that Jesus and John the Baptist were opposing.

    People wince at the word, “whore”, to describe someone who has chosen to dishonor their wedding vows. They view it as criticism that stems from a self-righteous feeling of superiority akin to what the Pharisees had as well as those who were about to stone the woman caught in adultery in the 8th chapter of John. There seems to be a feeling among many people that the Christian is obligated to coddle in the name of forgiveness rather than take the whole situation through the whole process of forgiveness that is complete and true.

    If you take notice of the situation in John 8, you will find that sin must first be proven to be as evil as it really is. To call a man or a woman who is choosing to remain unfaithful to the wedding vows a liar and a whore is the right, honest, loving, and Christian thing to do. Jesus did not die to protect excuses. He did not die because He loved sin so dearly. He died to make a clean separation between those who would abandon sin and sin itself. He came to make the liar an ex-liar and the whore an ex-whore. Without the stigma that is honest and deserved, the forgiveness is cheap, and the glory of God is made worthless.

    When a pastor stands before a congregation to proclaim that an adulterous marriage is holy matrimony, he has called God a liar and turned his church into a whorehouse of unfaithful liars and sluts who have no honor or respect for God’s institution of marriage. This is not merely a matter of my personal preference or opinion, but God has commanded us, “What God has put together let no man put asunder.” The marriage bed is not to be defiled. God has not asked us for flimsy excuses and lies. He has called for faithfulness.

    As for my ex-wife, what she did is in the past. She cannot change it. God does not demand that she change the past and neither should we. Nor does the fact that she sinned against God and against our marriage imply that I have not sinned against God in other ways. Neither does the fact I was faithful in marriage imply I am without sin and without need of forgiveness myself.

    The Bible is very clear if we are unwilling to forgive, we cannot expect forgiveness from God. But, then if God does not forgive those who do not forgive, then is He calling for us to render forgiveness unconditionally while He is unwilling to do so Himself? Think about it. What does it take to be forgiven? Aren’t we saved through grace by faith? If we do not receive Jesus as Lord and Savior, can we make up our rules or grab some some favorite prophet who who will offer us the plan of salvation we like? Or the one our families like? Do we make the rules, or does God?

    A rich young ruler came to Jesus asking what he must do to be saved. Jesus asked him if he kept the commandments, and he claimed he did, and then Jesus told him to sell all he has, give to the poor, and follow Jesus, and the young man went away sad because he had so much.

    The woman caught in adultery had to be confronted with her sin to the point of nearly losing her life. The woman at the well was confronted about having had five husbands and the man she was living with was not her husband. Jesus was not a weak, cowardly man afraid of confrontation. He spoke the truth in love whether it was a hard truth or an easy one.

    When it comes to heaven and hell, it is very arrogant and presumptuous for a Christian to attempt to wheel and deal or candy coat the message out of cowardice and fear of losing a friendship. If you would rather keep the peace and let your friend go to hell, then you are not much of a friend at all and your love is cheap. We need to get down on our knees and repent of this cowardice and learn not to be afraid to say what needs to be said and not be afraid to face the consequences. Rather we should be thinking of the consequences and how they could best be used by God to bring about the greatest good.

    When Jesus died on the cross, it was to save us from sin. It was to forgive us from sin. It was not to forgive us from excusable indescretions or mere mistakes, or a few bad decisions in life. If our repentance is real, we should not be covering up our sin before God with weak, shallow words that go something like, “Lord, if I happened to stumble along the way somewhere and disappoint you, please forgive me, but thank you that I’m not like that horrible homosexual or drunk or child molester.”

    If our repentance is real, then our words should be most hard against our motives, our intentions, our purposes, our willingness to deceive God and play Him to be a fool. We should be saying things like, “God forgive me. I’ve been a liar and a whore and a thief and it was only by my choice that I became that. I have been most unfaithful to You, Lord. You gave me nothing but life and blessings and I used your blessings to bring a curse to you and your loved ones on this earth. Oh God, you would be so right to send me to hell for all eternity and never give me a chance to see a moment of joy ever. I deserve the utmost eternal pain, and as surely as Satan himself deserves to go to hell, so do I. Lord, please forgive me and give me the grace to turn around this life. Give me what I need to bring honor to your name. Help me restore what I have stolen from others and make reparations for the dishonor I brought to your name. Use my life to bring others to salvation and forgive me for those I have led to hell and sin through my misbehavior. Lord, please, if you have to slay me to keep me from sin or from bringing dishonor to your name, please do so because I cannot bear to bring dishonor to your name any longer. But, as long as you choose to give me life, I will honor that and give myself to your for your purposes in your service. Please forgive me, cleanse me, protect me, make me yours and make me able where I am weak, Lord.”

    Until the unfaithful spouse confesses from the heart they were a whore to do what they did, until they confess most likely with tears that they were wrong to do what they did and that it was their fault and their fault alone, until they make no lies and no excuses and no justifications and until they repent with deep grief for the excuses they made and the dishonor those excuses brought to God, until the repentance is complete, it is nothing but another lie, another attempt to make a jackass out of God, a very dirty, filthly, hell-worthy choice to continue in selfish living to the hurt of God.

    And until that behavior ends, there is no real forgiveness or repentance or salvation.

    Too long we have tried to intervene and protect the sinner from the harsh judgments of God, and too long we have stood with religious looks of artificial love and have put upon others an artificial obligation to come into agreement with that lie. And in cowardice we have complied for too long.

    It is time to tell the people that the house they are in is burning, and it is time to call the firemen. It is time to get the people in sin to leave their sin and come to safety through forgiveness through Jesus Christ.

    There is no point in making up fables and artificial roads to salvation that only lead to hell. According to God’s law, according to the New Testament, a person who continues to live in lies and adultery and sexual immorality and such will perish into hell.

    The question is do you want to be found on judgment day having coddled untold numbers of sinners into hell with your comforts, or do you want to be used by God to bring some to salvation instead?

  6. Patrick says:

    You wish, you war, simile wild whore

    You wish, you war, simile wild whore
    You’re the one looking to run
    You dream, you scream, no more
    You’re the one looking for fun
    Don’t want this losing kind of life
    Discard the gold snare from your hand
    Bold you, won’t care what they say
    Time for you to end your strife
    So you sprint hard & fast away
    Trying to hide something inside
    Your nature is to slay those in the way
    Bursting with pride you firmly decide
    Fear nothing and rip it away
    No regrets for what once grew inside
    Feel nothing so believe the lie
    You tell yourself you do what you must
    Won’t allow it to alter your life
    Keep at all costs the sleek body young males lust
    You shout sister, sister lead me astray
    She shamelessly knows what you need
    Who has, what you and she must pay
    You once had enough but she cut out his seed
    Your life, your way, just don’t care what people say
    Admire your photo and witness your sweet smile
    Bless you and your sister at whose altar you pray
    The innocent heaped onto your master’s pile
    Time is running out so you rush through the door
    You’re the fearless lioness stalking your helpless prey
    You wish, you war, simile wild whore

  7. Stephen says:

    Dan you are correct in much of what you said.

    Jesus said to the woman who he saved from being stoned for adultery, “Now go woman and sin no more.”

    However, Jesus did not say “Now go whore and sin no more.”
    Jesus recognised that we should hate the sin but love the sinner.

    My wife acted as a whore.
    But I never once called her such.
    I did save her from the bad consequences of her actions on many occasions and I did tell her to “sin no more.”

    Unfortunately, my wife mistook my forgiveness for weakness, and ignored my advice, preferring to interpret my strength as weakness. She seemed to assume she would always get away with doing whatever she wanted, that I would always forgive her.

    But there has to be a genuine repentance on the part of the sinner at some point.
    The sinner has to want to change.
    We are all sinners, but the difference is that some of us genuinely hate the sin and genuinely try to change and be good, whereas others glory in their sin and view the others as fools.

    I think this is part of the point you are trying to make Dan and I agree with you.

    I hope my wife one day does see the error of her ways and repents.
    I hope she reaches this stage for her own sake, because I still care about her and I don’t want to think of her burning in hell-which is where she is headed.

    Best regards,

    Stephen

  8. Dan says:

    Hi Stephen,

    I feel the same way you do. Once a person has truly repented, my strong belief is that it would not be fair to call that person a whore or a liar or whatever the sin was.

    Revelations 21:8 tells us that all liars, cowards, sexually immoral, etc. (I forget the specific sins listed other than these) would end up in the lake of fire. If true repentance did not change the person’s character, then any person who ever committed those sins would have no hope of salvation. That is, if once a whore always a whore or if once a liar always a liar, then the telling of one lie would make it impossible for the Blood of Jesus to save that person.

    God knows we are powerless to change what is in the past. We can admit to having lied or having been faithful. We can take responsibility for it. And I think confessing our sins and stripping away all excuses and justifications for those sins is also an absolute prerequisite for any kind of repentance to be sincere. In other words, if people want to repent of lying or committing adultery and such, the person has to be adamant and firm in leaving no question to anyone around who saw the sin or knew about it that this sin was evil and unjustified. That is, they should be very firm and not have any desire whatsoever that anyone would try to comfort them and tell them they were not a whore or a liar or a swindler or a thief.

    It is that transition from being a whore and a liar to being a person who is faithful and honest that gives God glory. Throwing out a cheesy fake repentance is nothing but a declaration that this is all God is worthy to receive from us regarding our sins and that in our minds we really did not wrong God very much, or that dishonoring God in our mind is not such a terrible thing to do.

    Too often we try to pass off unrepentance for repentance. I’m not suggesting we need to grovel and put on a show. In fact, putting on a show is at the core of the problem. God is looking for sincerity, not a show. He is not looking for a low key show. He is not looking for a big show. He is not looking for a blubbering show. He is sick and wants to vomit over the lukewarmness and dishonesty of the shows people have been trying to put on before God. If it isn’t real repentance, I am confident God would rather that we not put on any show of repentance at all but rather that we get up and sign up for membership in the church of Satan and begin worshipping the devil rather than put on a show as a fake Christian and insult God’s intelligence and worth and glory every minute of our lives.

    God does not want our religion or our religious shows or our skits and plays and facades and our game playing. He does not want our fear of man or attempts to put on a show for mankind to convince religious people we’re religious, too.

    He does not want our unforgiveness. He wants us to ask to be held to the same standard we hold others. “Father, forgive us our sins as we forgive those who have sinned against us.” In other words, we are asking God to see how we forgive others and use that as a pattern for how we are to be forgiven. Or, in other ways, we might also be asking God to bless us individually and as a nation by the way we bless others, including the unborn, the victims of adultery and divorce, those stricken by poverty and those stricken by illness including mental illness or terminal illness or disabilities or the aged.

    It’s a sobering thought that God would ask us to pray that He would bless or forgive us the same way we forgive or bless others.

    But, I have done this many times and continue to pray this prayer.
    It is a very severe prayer. And it is severe to think of the way this prayer is answered sometimes. But, it is for the greatest good all around that we be held to this standard by God.

    But, we also must remember that if we do not repent of our sins, then God will not forgive us. We need to have God’s grace to overcome sin because we cannot do it on our own. And we need to receive that grace through faith. It is stepping into the path that God has set before us, trusting God, trusting in His provisions and salvation, and just as we would want to be saved ourselves, we should desire that others, including those who have wronged us be saved — not from justice, but from continuing in sin to an eternal destruction, and just as we would desire to be saved from the demands of justice through the blood of Jesus Christ, we should be beggars leading other beggars to turn to Christ for salvation.

  9. Stephen says:

    Hi Dan,

    I agree with everything you said in your last post 100%.

    I am saddened that every time my wife expressed remorse or said she was sorry for the terrible things she did, it was mere window dressing. There was no genuine desire to change or to recompense for her actions.

    Unfortunately, it appears my wife was suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, which is a serious mental illness. Our relationship really never had a chance due to her mental illness, which is a very difficult one to deal with. Even mental health professionals usually try to avoid those patients with Borderline Personality Disorder because they are so difficult to deal with and just about impossible to help.

    That being said, her illness does not let my wife off the hook completely.
    She was still responsible for her actions.
    She knew what she was doing and she chose that path.
    The illness perhaps made it harder to do the right thing, a lot harder.
    But it did not make it impossible for her to be faithful and to work on our relationship, if she had the love and faith and strength of character to do so.

    Ultimately, the major emotion I feel when thinking of my wife now is sorrow.
    Sorrow for the person she could have been, and sorrow for the life we could have had.

    When i look at her photos now I can see the pain in her eyes.
    She certainly wasn’t made happy by the life she chose.
    Yet she seemed compelled to undermine any attempt others might make, including myself her husband, to improve her situation.

    I have no idea why God would allow a person to suffer as much as my wife obviously was, and to cause so much suffering to those who love her. Perhaps it’s one of those consequences of free will that her bad choices caused her situation, but I can’t help feeling that she never really had a chance, any more than those kids born to starving parents in sub-saharan Africa have a chance.

    It’s still very difficult for me to talk about my wife, it hurts so much.
    I have no idea where she is now or even if she is alive or dead.
    But I am betting that she is alive, because ultimately she is a survivor, she will have latched on to some poor fool, or probably several since we last saw each other. Like a cockroach, she would probably be able to survive just about anything that would kill the rest of us.

    But as for her immortal soul, I have grave fears for that.
    She has no real honour or sense of decency. She sees forgiveness as merely a green light to continue sinning. She has no respect for anyone, n ot even herself. There is more to being a religious person than refusing to eat pork and fasting during Ramadan. She doesn’t understand this at all. She probably thinks she is a better person than I am because she was born a Muslim. But she is a bad Muslim and what’s there to be proud of in that? A good Christian is closer to what a good Muslim aspires to than a bad Muslim like her would ever be.

    It’s hard to put my feelings into words. I love her but I hate what she did to herself and to me. I hate the waste of potential and I hate the fact I can’t do anything to save her or our relationship. The only person who can save my wife is God, and He can only do that if she sincerely repents her sins and asks for His forgiveness with a humble and genuine heart. I can’t see that ever happening, as she behaves as if anyone who falls for the ‘begging for forgiveness’ routine is a fool. I once forgave her for a major betrayal and she said “God bless you.” Next week she went out and did it again with no compunction whatsoever. What’s with that?

    All the best, and thanks for the detailed analysis.
    I now feel comfortable saying that my wife was a common whore and did not deserve a good loving husband like myself. But I would still take her back if she truly repented and sinned no more, because then she would no longer be a whore.

  10. Dan says:

    It has been awhile since we talked on this group. I just got an email about a followup posting to this topic, and it may have been deleted–not sure. I hope your situation at home has improved.

    Dr. Phil had a good program today about a couple who were leaders in Daystar, and the husband/pastor had had an affair years ago and went through counseling. It was perhaps the best example of sincere repentance I have seen regarding this issue and sadly one that seems very rare in the church today. People apologize for affairs all the time and say they felt really bad about it, but almost every time I have seen this happen, it seemed there was always something incomplete, hollow, shallow, insincere about the apology–some form of deflecting blame or responsibility together with some accepting of responsibility by others.

    It seems everyone is aware of the importance of forgiveness, kindness, love, and good will, but few understand that healing and trust cannot even begin until the person committing adultery comes to a complete understanding the affair was his or her own fault. There may be other issues–lack of attentiveness, boredom, unhappiness, arguing too much, arguing unfairly, irresponsibility, money conflicts, conflicts over the children and inlaws, feeling unheard, ignored, marginalized, and disrespected. While all those are serious marriage related issues, it has nothing, nothing, nothing to do with the decision to commit adultery.

    The problem is, unless you know the path that brought you into adultery, you cannot be certain that path won’t be followed again. Until you know the path and know how you began going down that path, you can never be sure.

    But, there are other sides to this, too. One is knowing and accepting responsibility for the torment this bad choice brought to the rest of the family, and that has to be faced individually. For instance, when Sandy Patti played the whore on her marriage, she violated her husband John Helvering and hurt him deeply. That’s one hurt. What did she do to him? Did she destroy his sense of self worth for that time? Did it make him feel less of a man, like a reject, insecure, violated, cheated? Did Sandy give her apology with a statement that said, “I’m sorry if you felt hurt”, or “I’m sorry if I set a bad example” or “I’m sorry if I disappointed anyone”, or “I’m sorry for what happened”? Or did she say, “I own this. I violated my husband and I know the gauntlet of pain I forced him to go through, and he did not deserve this. This was not his fault. I played the whore, and I was a whore to my family and to the public I pretended to minister to, and I was a liar and a hypocrite, and the moment I chose to go into that sin, God could have taken my life and threw me into hell, and there is not one bit of that suffering I would not have deserved fully. The devil did not make me do this. My husband did not fail me. God did not fail to meet my needs. And my precious children God trusted into my hands were hurt deeply by what I did. My mother in law and my father in law and the rest of the family were hurt unjustly by what I did and no amount of mistakes or failings on their part could have ever made them deserve what I did to them. I was a liar, a cheat, a hypocrite, and a whore, and I don’t deserve to be trusted by anyone after what I did.”

    That would be the beginning of true repentance if somehow that had actually taken place. I rarely see an adulterer repent that deeply. But, with the leader of Daystar on Dr. Phil tonight, I believe I saw something more sincere, more real. Yet people can be so very good at faking things, too.

    The problem is if the accepting of responsibility is not that severe, how can a person ever be trusted again? If the offense was never really “that bad”. what reason is there to expect that the person won’t commit it again?

    What is sad is when someone chooses to continue down that path and end the marriage to be with the affair partner. The victims, the people betrayed, rejected, hurt, and perhaps left behind are the ones who would suffer the most agony, and yet it doesn’t seem quite right. It would make sense to grieve the loss of an honestly loving and sincere and trustworthy person, but to grieve losing a liar, a thief, a coward, a whore, a hypocrite, a cheat? Why grieve? Our emotions don’t ask the logic centers of our brain for permission to grieve. We just grieve anyway. Perhaps we don’t want to accept the fact we were betrayed. Perhaps the betrayal may be a revenge betrayal. Or maybe it didn’t start out that way but later the cowardice and fear of shame and responsibility and justice will drive the unfaithful one to assassinate the faithful spouse, to drag out his or her faults, failings, and other kinds of betrayal, and both exes will go away from the situation with either an overt or hidden feeling of mutual hatred and bitterness feeling justified by the other spouse’s betrayals. And perhaps there were betrayals that nobody could speak of because of the fear of someone else being hurt.

    But, this is the world of bitterness, adultery, revenge, shame, and sin.

    If you think about it, when you go into sin, you give the devil free reign to blackmail you. He may blackmail you into more sin and then blackmail you for that sin, too. And in the end, you’ll be a slave of hell forever.

    I know without a doubt many people in the ministry live under this threat of blackmail from the devil. Blackmail for porn, for affairs, for lust, for all sorts of sin. And yet that is their livelihood. If they give it up and confess their sin and lost their ministry, they may lose their ability to support their families, especially in this economy.

    So, with the church living under a curse of slavery to the devil, what hope is there for the rest of the world? If the light becomes darkness, how dark is that?

    The couple on Dr. Phil today decided with their counselors to keep the pastor’s affair a secret as long as possible to give the couple time to heal. Then last month some people who knew about the affair blackmailed them and threatened to go to the news media if they were not paid $7.5 million to keep silent. Instead, they decided it was time to go public with the affair. Even though the affair was years ago, they had gone on with ministry, but now that the affair was brought out in the public, they submitted to their denomination’s requirement to take a leave of absence while going through what their denomination required to be restored back into the ministry.

    As bad as an affair is, their marriage grew stronger as they healed, and once they heal more fully, they should be better able to help others.

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