300 – Achmad & Ross Insult Duel

May 19th, 2009, in News, Opinion, by

The long wait is over, Achmad & Ross finally face off in 300.

Insultathon

  • 3 days
  • 3 rounds
  • 300 words

Achmad and Ross face off.

The Voting

Who Won?

  • Ross (50%, 9 Votes)
  • Achmad (50%, 9 Votes)

Total Voters: 18

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147 Comments on “300 – Achmad & Ross Insult Duel”

  1. avatar Achmad Sudarsono says:

    Indonesia Matters Insult-a-Thon: Round 1


    Seksi Friend,
    kindly, but foolishly, Ross has done my work for me. Part-Thatcherite, part-derelict Jaksa Bule, and all nutcase, he insults himself every time he touches the keyboard.

    I, Achmad Sudarsono, Indonesia’s leading and Seksiest poet, ukulele player, cabaret singer and pencak silat master, will thoroughly insult Ross in these coming posts, as a tribute to Indonesia Matters, The Truth, and Art of the Insult.

    At first, I will make a half-hearted attempt to ridicule Ross’s warped ideas. His anti-communism, 20 years after the fall of the Berlin wall, and 18 years after the end of the Soviet Union, is too good to resist.

    I will then abandon all pretense at logic or fair debate and like the Achmad you know well, descend into a juvenile barrage of cheap jibes gleaned from the internet.

    To introduce my foe, Ross McKay lurks at Jalan Jaksa, the mecca for Bule Kere and Bule Gembel, dredging his thoughts up from the stale bottom of a Bir Bintang. His grip on reality is shaky, thinking that communism is a threat, even as the Russian and Chinese governments salivate for foreign capitalism investment.

    Freud would tell us Ross’s delusions spring from deep sexual inadequacies, probably due the repressed urges of a British childhood. He compensates for his barfly Jaksa status by affecting Tory views, this time at least 30 years out of date.

    Ross’s pet peeves bespeak of deep seated and unfulfilled desires. He rails in lurid detail against homosexuality, bans on corporal punishment of children, and whip-wielding Sharia police in Aceh.

    Ross, Kawan, there are legal, subscription-based websites for such urges now !

    In response, Ross will no doubt try his usual sordid tricks. He will probably question my Indonesianness, my Seksiness, and my investigative revelations, such as the Rise of Mojopahit and involvement of U.F.O. visitors in Indonesian history.

    But not to worry, Seksi Friend, we can rely on Ross for one thing: to insult himself.

  2. avatar Ross says:

    To A-C-H-M-A-D

    A is for Arrogance (abrasive and mean)

    C is for…what? No, that’s just obscene!
    So maybe Carnaptious – a sign that he’s frit
    Or Cracked, as he rants himself into a fit.

    H is for Heinous; he dislikes that word
    (And detests Supercilious – its use makes him bilious)
    Big words are redundant? That’s clearly absurd.
    Why so resentful, of those educated?
    A Sixties-style lefty, his cliches back-dated.

    M is for Mad, in the U.S.A. sense,
    Not crazy, but driven by fury immense.

    Or maybe Mendacious, his famed ‘porky pies,’
    As bad as Beelzebub’s, Lord of the Flies,
    (Who’s otherwise known as the Father of Lies)

    For to Achmad the truth is not stranger than fiction,
    But a value outwith our dear blog’s jurisdiction.
    In his realm he’s licensed to slander and smear,
    without the excuse of a surfeit of beer.
    ” ‘Not met him?’ No matter,” he’ll shrilly demur.
    “Yes, make it all up,” his pink cronies concur.

    And here’s A again, and how shall we use it?
    If called by his acronym, he’d only lose it.
    His temper is short with those who debate him,
    Or question his nonsense. So then shall we bait him ….
    With maybe Acerbic? No, never, not that!
    Too long a word – he’d go through his hat!
    Asinine’s fine, but three syllables? No!
    Gotta reduce it to words he might know.

    Far kinder, forsooth, to just keep it short.
    “Yes, Ass does suit Achmad,” the good guys retort.

    And finally D, a dutiful letter, that serves to start Daft,
    and others much harsher! Better leave it at that…

    I can’t figure his game, hence my fun with his name.
    It ain’t his, for starters.

    But does anyone care, on ‘Indonesia Matters?’
    ==============

  3. avatar Achmad Sudarsono says:

    Indonesia Matters Insult-a-Thon: Round 2

    There once was a Bule called Ross,
    Whose writing was very pompous,
    He wasted his words, the ultimate Nerd,
    Whilst setting himself up for a loss, (At my hands, of course).

    Predictably, Ross has claimed I am mad, cracked, heinous, and mendacious. Seksi Friends, these are not insults, but facts !

    How hard can it be to insult a ukulele-playing, cabaret-singing pencak silat teacher who constantly claims to be Seksi ?

    But as Ross is not up to it (just ask his wife!), and that he stayed up all night looking up words in the dictionary for his little rhyme, I shall oblige him.

    R is for Ross, so repressed, and daft,
    O is for odd, stuck in the past,
    S
    S “S.S”, is in “U.S.S.R.”, which he hates,

    Oh, Rossy-poo, it’s not 1948 !

    Ross’s postings, (guaranteed to cure insomnia), boil down to:

    • Communists are bad.
    • Islam is bad.
    • Gays, Indonesian civil servants, liberals, (anyone to the left of Genghis Kahn): bad
    • Ross: good.

    Overall, Ross seems to be the result of a bad experiment to genetically cross Ayn Rand, Basil Fawlty, and randomly scraped DNA from a Blok M bar floor, along with nearby bacteria.

    As we all agree, Ross’s tabloid prejudices masquerading as commentary aren’t worth anything more. So, Seksi Friend, now the fun part, a journey through Western history, scouring the best-fitting insults.

    The Insults

    Scanning Shakespeare, Ross is not worthy of the tragedies, but the comedies offer many insights into his timeless character flaws:

    Ross’s character:

    “Drunkenness is his best virtue, for he will be swine drunk, and in his sleep he does little harm, save to his bedclothes about him,”

    (Alls Well That Ends Well),

    “There’s many a man hath more hair than wit,”

    (Comedy of Errors).

    Ross’s posts:

    “This is the silliest stuff that I ever heard”

    (A Midsummer Night’s Dream).

    “A fellow of the strangest mind in the world”

    (Twelfth Night).

    “His intellect is not replenished, he is only an animal, only sensible in the duller parts,”

    (Love’s Labor Lost).

    Comprehensive Ross insights:

    “Observe him, for the love of mockery,” and, “Leave thy vain bibble-babble,” not leaving out, “As ass head and a coxcomb and a knave, a thin faced knave and gull!”

    (Twelfth Night).

    Tomorrow: More Timeless Political Scholarship on Rossisms. A taster:

    Winston Churchill on Austin Chamberlain (may as well be Ross):

    He always played the game, and he always lost it

    On Neville Chamberlain, (or Ross):

    He looked at foreign affairs through the wrong end of a municipal drainpipe

    Seksi Friend, Ross, as usual, has offered you cliches, I have offered you poetry, Shakespeare and The Truth. Tomorrow, we shall conclude our devastation.

  4. avatar Ross says:

    RETROSPECT ON A RANTER========

    Albatross round I.M’s neck,
    His own bestrapped with that imaginary uke,
    Febrile insults lacking content, full of puke.
    Like that charlatan Freud,
    A would-be ‘intellectual’s’ moral void.
    What passes for his thought is rot,
    Droppings of Lukacs and Adorno
    No values, no value, ideological porno. .
    Like dogs to their vomit, his posts linger on perversion
    Quintessentially corrupt, expert even,
    Much worse than any darkness of the heart
    Conrad would want us to believe in.
    Contact with Achmad makes normal skin crawl
    Like stumbling on scabrous tramps against an alley wall,
    Though such vagrants sober up. Not Achmad, not at all!
    Minatory jibes, relentlessly attacking.
    Hell, his ration of contentment must be lacking
    To find fulfillment in such fetid passion.
    Accusations waxing wierder, always salacious.
    Jibes on ‘filthy dives,’
    Which leave us all assured
    That he’s inured
    To similar surroundings,
    Mind mired in out-houses of his own creation.
    A sensation!
    Forever justifying the abomination
    of communist attrocity
    With endless verbosity.
    Barely veiled envies ooze from every post, quite daunting!
    Ghosts of bad-boy past a-haunting?
    How else so well-informed?
    I’m polite- no mention of his wife
    If he has one -who knows?
    He should get a life,
    Outside the internet.
    Jabbering jackass, who eschews evaluation
    That might allow identification!
    I’ve no fear of being I.D.’d!
    I’m proud to be assailed by such vacuity.
    He lacks acuity.
    Misanthropic towards all who disagree,
    Though he’s not accused me of misogyny!
    Scrutinise his posts of yore, deplore his falsehoods.
    ‘Rusty type-writer,’ which I never had, poor lad,
    ‘Wine-stained batik,’ another accusation problematic,
    Knowing little, of myself, or wider world around,
    Rarely been to Jaksa, I’ll be bound.
    Pampered brat, inanely wild,
    As Kipling said, ‘half-devil and half-child.’

  5. avatar Achmad Sudarsono says:

    Indonesia Matters Insult-a-Thon: Round 3

    Comrade Ross, the Paper Tiger of IM, I rest my case.

    Ross (head stuck under the bed looking for reds), can't distinguish between "insult," and "mildly negative job performance review." "Lacks acuity," (oh dear!), "lacking content," (don't hurt me!), "endless verbosity,”; and, worst of all, “eschews evaluation,” (now that’s really below the belt).

    Elsewhere, "perversion," "makes normal skin crawl," "minatory jibes," thanks Ross, I do my best, but again, stating the obvious. If the Cold War had been left to you, the East would be Red, (but not well read).

    In contrast, I, seksi Achmad, have insulted Ross on average once a sentence, starting with his weird views, and above, even insulted his insults.

    A new expression in the English language: To Ross, meaning to waffle inanely about stuffy topics no-one is interested in on the internet, to patronize (when in no position to do so), to be cowardly. “To Ross” is a flexible term.

    I call on all IM readers to use the new phrase, as in, “don’t worry, he’s just Rossing again.” In its adjective form: Megawati gave a long Rossy speech today.

    Historical Rossisms

    Writings from Ancient Greece and Rome are rich on insights into Rossism. “It is easy to be brave from a safe distance” said wise storyteller Aesop, a principle that clearly refers to Ross’s postings. On Ross’s silly retorts here, “One more such victory and we are lost,” said Phyrrhus, on beating the Romans at the Battle of the Asculum.

    Temple fragments highlight the comparison between Achmad and Ross: “Immortal Gods! How much does one man excel another. What a difference there is between a wise man [Achmad] and a fool [Ross],” (Terence, Eunuchus). As an aside, on me: “There is no great genius without some touch of madness,” (Seneca, Moral Essays).

    Finally, few of these insults are fair to Ross, but I’ll quote Harper’s Weekly on Abraham Lincoln, anyway: “Filthy Story-Teller, Despot, Liar, Thief, Braggart, Buffoon, Usurper, Monster, Ignoramus Abe, Old Scoundrel, Perjurer, Robher, Swindler, Tyrant, Field-Butcher, Land-Pirate.”

    Seksi Friend, I could go on, but there is no need. Ross has been showered with insults, laid bare (a horrible thought, I know). He responded with odd little verses, but “nothing is more confident than a bad poet,” (Martial, c AD 102, Epigrams Book I).

    Back to Shakespeare and I end with Puck’s apology from a Midsummer Night’s Dream, who said, “If we shadows have offended,” (that was the idea, Ross), and “Give me your hands, if we be friends,”

    And then Achmad shall do it all again.

  6. avatar Ross says:

    Okay, “Achmad” is the more offensive, but I don’t concede the duel.

    His first post – some predictable aspersions, transferring his own odd cravings to myself, plus a re-assertion of his phony I.D.

    Second post – purports to relish being called ‘supercilious, ‘cracked’ and ‘heinous’ – normal folk reject such insults, but his masochism suggests a penchant for self-abuse, not surprising in somebody whose shallow real-life personality requires a pseudonym, and a snap of his male pembantu, to construct a bogus persona so contrivedly absurd that its presentation insults not just my but all readers’ intelligence.

    He then woos commie and woofter and Islamist votes, first two surely successfully, but he won’t get many Muslims, who wisely don’t appreciate connoissuers of ‘gay’ parades!

    Ashamed to own up to Anglo-ethnicity, he conceals his murky livelihood. Unemployed? Unemployable? Who’d hire such disreputables, except maybe agencies like BIN. Now there’s a thought – why else his efforts to traduce a critic of the regime?

    His final tirade – more unoriginal quotes, barely “O” Level standard of invective, but no style, no class, no creativity, no quality, all these short-comings the hall-marks of Achmad’s regular in-put.

    Enough already, the weekend’s here!

  7. avatar David says:

    Ok we’re done! Open thread now, apologies to a couple of people who had their comments deleted but you didn’t read the rules. Voting is done at the top, if you’re on the comment page you’ll need to view the post page, wordpress is a strange beast.

    An interesting tussle, don’t think anyone was expecting the poetry from Ross, which I suspect threw Achmad off his guard a little. The attempts at correct rhythm and dare I say meter in the first Ross poetry attack trailed off by the second attempt, but the rhyming kept up, which is always good, the third Ross attack a little disappointing on that front but nevertheless reinforcing some key issues.

    Achmad, the first post all classic Achmad as we’ve come to know and love and sometimes get annoyed by if you’re me. Followed by some nicely chosen piercing Shakespearean barbs, and finally delving into the Classics for some likely looking aspersion casters.

    As for my own vote, like Pak Harto said about something entirely unrelated once when he was traveling in a car with Sukarno, I will keep it to my inner self.

  8. avatar madrotter says:

    ofcourse there’s always the old “let’s settle it in the ring” but i think 3 posts each just wasn’t enought, they’re just getting warmed up so to say maybe?

  9. avatar fullmoonflower says:

    xixixi….. will share it to my facebook 😆

  10. avatar Achmad Sudarsono says:

    Seksi Ibu Fullmoonflower Yth.,

    What’s yr FB address ?

  11. avatar diego says:

    I tend to see comunism and socialism as (merely) an easy escape for lousy university students who like to whine (instead of studying, working, making the best out of capitalism), therefore Ross seem to be my natural ally.

    But, thankfully, it didn’t escape my memory that Ross hates gays. Well, I’m a gay. To me the issue over sexual preference is much more important than ideology :P, so… my intersection with Ross is greatly reduced.

    That, and for the content, to me the winner is Achmad 😀

  12. avatar Achmad Sudarsono says:

    Pak Diego Yth.,

    It’s not just about content, in your case. It’s about what’s right. Even if I lose this bout, I’m on your side, brother.

    x o.

  13. avatar Odinius says:

    I almost voted for Ross–who knew he was a closet rapper!

    But Achmad won, in my book, for the “Ayn Rand, Basil Fawlty and randomly scraped DNA from a Blok M bar floor, along with nearby bacteria” line.

  14. avatar ultratupai says:

    Ya, Achmad has BALLS! And seems far better educated than Ross. Can I vote more than once?

  15. avatar Astrajingga says:

    To be honest, I think Achmad do it better.

    But I always vote for the underdog.

  16. avatar Achmad Sudarsono says:

    @All,

    Just wanted to congratulate Ross on a job well done. We don’t agree on most things, but even in an insult-a-thon, a sporting spirit can prevail.

    @ Astrajingga, Ultratupai,

    Many thanks.

  17. avatar ET says:

    @ diego

    Somehow you remind me of a commentatore who posted here in IM under the nickname ‘El Gran Combo Puertorico’.
    Am I right?

  18. avatar David says:

    Ultratupai you sneaky devil, I see and know all, well a lot anyway and I caught you….no you can’t vote twice..

  19. avatar diego says:

    @ET

    Yes, I was listening to some tunes of El Gran Combo Puertorico when I unleashed my trolls from Shanghai back in 2007.

  20. avatar Odinius says:

    Patung said:

    no you can’t vote twice..

    I just did 🙂

  21. avatar David says:

    Yes but you didn’t do it sneakily, it’s because you registered, anyway, those two ‘extra’ votes were removed….

  22. avatar David says:

    Got you clocked as well Diego…boy you get around…

  23. avatar Odinius says:

    Patung said:

    Yes but you didn’t do it sneakily, it’s because you registered, anyway, those two ‘extra’ votes were removed….

    Yup. Earlier today you could only post if logged in, so I figured you changed the security options and I better get on board or else I was finished here!

    …and of course, was going to get around to it eventually anyways 🙂

  24. avatar Ross says:

    May I reciprocate, Achmad, in that true sporting spirit that built the Empire…regardless of the result, guess we both gave it our best shots.
    But no, madrotter, I don’t think extending the ‘duel’ by a week or a month or a year would have been a brilliant idea. Frankly, I always had reservations about the whole thing, for insults in my view ought to be side-arms in debates on serious matters, not an end in themselves (though I imagine Achmad might disagree) and I only consented to participate because it is not in my nature to walk away from challenges.
    Having said that, it is some time since I had to pursue votes, so the episode was not without a certain nostalgic thrill.

  25. avatar Lairedion says:

    What’s the point of throwing “insults” at a virtual character? Ross has my vote.

  26. avatar Achmad Sudarsono says:

    Seksi Mr. Lairedion Yth.,

    Ok, but in that case – if you reject absurdity, nothingness, and Art for Art’s sake when it comes to Insults, you’re voting for Ross’s actual values. That includes anti-communism, anti-homosexuality, and if you probe and probe at his ideology, the British Empire too.

    Not exactly what Asian nationalists had in mind when they founded their own nation-states. If that’s what you’re into, awesome, go ahead.

    Otherwise, I invite you to join the ranks of…

    The Seksi Ones.

  27. avatar Achmad Sudarsono says:

    oh, and Lairedion, Ross purports to be a real person… so who’s throwing insults at a virtual character ? Personally, I prefer in-SLUTS ! Va Va VooM !

  28. avatar Lairedion says:

    Achmad,

    I thought it was an insult duel, not a regular discussion exchanging viewpoints. So by voting for Ross I automatically agree with his views?

  29. avatar Achmad Sudarsono says:

    Pak Lairedion,

    Not necessarily. But from your comment:

    What’s the point of throwing “insults” at a virtual character? Ross has my vote.

    It seemed to imply you were agreed with Pak Ross’s previous comment of insults being handmaidens to serious debate. If indeed, you think Pak Ross displayed superior mastery of the pure Art of the Insult, then no, you ain’t necessarily in agreement.

    Achmad.

  30. avatar Odinius says:

    Hey Patung…when do the polls close? At some point we need to declare a winner, demand recounts, etc.!

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