Picking Up Girls

Dec 8th, 2007, in Opinion, Society, by

Achmad’s Tips on Picking Up Babes in Malls: Part 1.

Achmad Sudarsono

Achmad’s Tips on Picking Up Babes in Malls: Part 1.

Not all of you can expect to achieve the nation-wide fame and sex appeal of Achmad overnight. It takes class, effort, and mastery of an elusive art such as hoola-hoop dancing or playing the Ukuele. But with dilligent study of Achmad’s timeworn techniques, most of you gentlemen can quickly become unstoppable sex magnets.

At 5 ft 1 “, 120 pounds, and staring out from big, googly, spectacles (see Avatar), I am no Brad Pitt. Why then, do so many of Indonesia’s most desirable women beg me in desperation to give them private poetry readings and share a little Achmad lovin’ ?

Here are are some of my secrets. Enjoy, my Indonesia Matters friends.

Firstly, pick your hunting ground. For up-market babes, Plaza Senayan has timeless class, but is considered a bit “basi” or past-it, by some. You can try EX at Plaza Indonesia or Plaza Semanggi.

I, however, prefer to get “close to the people,” by hanging around the crowded electronics malls in Glodok, and those bridge-type walk overs. I find they are good places to find naive village girls who don’t know my tricks.

Sometimes, my batik shirt and peci is a novelty at places like Dragonfly or Embassy. But once the girls see my dance-moves, a combination of cha-cha, break-dancing, jaipongan and dangdut, they’re goners.

Why, some of you may ask, is an exemplary Muslim like Achmad cruising for babes ? Because, Friend, in Islam we are allowed four wives. Tragically, three of my wives, Nongoh, Inem, and Wongso, couldn’t cope with the intensity of my love for the ukuele, leaving in the night. Now, I must fill the gap. Before marriage, there is pacaran.

How to Score Babes at Malls in Jakarta and Indonesia.

  • Wear your best clothes and groom carefully.

Before trawling the malls, I carefully comb my moustache, liberally applying Arabian perfume oil. Then I dust off my peci and don my favourite silk batik or Safari suit. (If Safari suit, I wear a pin displaying the Garuda Pancasila).

Sometimes, if Bules are my targets (victims), I compromise and wear some Australian “board” shorts, usually Billabongs and sandal jepit, quaintly known as “thongs” Down Under.

  • Prepare some pick-up lines.

My trademark line is to say, with a sly and casual wink,

“hey there, what’s cookin’, good lookin,”

to the nearest saucy filly. Another classic is,

“hey, your mother must’ve been a thief. It looks like she stole the stars out of the skies and put them in your eyes.”

Try to come up with your own lines, because I’ve used both of those on most of the women in most of the malls in Jakarta.

  • Talk about your accomplishments.

Mine include winning the Djoget Dangdut 72 jam competition at Ancol, climbing the greasy pole for independence day, and, of course, hoola-hoop dancing and playing the ukuele.

  • Don’t be shy to show physical affection, before you know the girl/woman, or have even met her!

I usually employ a “power-wheel,” slap to the rump and then a bit of a squeeze. (The power-wheel was inspired by the guitar playing of Pete Townsend, lead guitarist of the rock band The Who).

  • Equip your lair.

Once you’ve snared the victim, you’ll need a location to read her your poetry, and whatever else you might both cook up. I like to spray some Axe deodorant in the air, and scatter some hip records around the place. Although many of today’s twenty-somethings pretend to like new bands, deep down they’re suckers for golden oldies, like Koes Ploes, God Bless, and Rhoma Irama and Sundanese singer Darso.

  • If you get slapped or rejected at first (as Achmad often has been), simply laugh loudly.

And say,

“you’ll come around in the end – they all do.”

She’ll be impressed by your courage and suaveness.


55 Comments on “Picking Up Girls”

  1. unjaded says:

    Hi Achmad,

    Love your satirical article, dude. Your alter ego reminds me of the leading actors of the cheesy Indonesian movies in the 70ies.

  2. Fred Floggle says:

    I use a similar technique, with a visual modification.

    I stand in the mall and flop out my weapon with a 20 dollar bill wrapped around the end.

    always works.

  3. Achmad Sudarsono says:

    Dear Unjaded,

    Most of them are my friends, including (the late) Dono, Kasino, Indro, and in fact, took their personalities from me ! I don’t mind, Friend, I am always ready to help Indonesia.

    Fred,

    You couldn’t pick up women with a tractor. There are some people who these techniques won’t help.

  4. Purba Negoro says:

    Your pitiful attempt at sarcasm is quite clearly transparent as stereotypical and provocative racial slur against a native Javanese.

    It was one step away from “Ching Chong chinaman wenna milk a cow…” “look my Diocky is slippy” routine.
    Pathetic.

    Safari suit with a Garuda pin?
    Let me guess- typed with the same self-inflated sneer of the Western lower-middle class overweight moral masturbator fuming silently with his envy of ‘lesser” brown people’s wealth.

    Most probably an English teacher or multi-national puppet. Renting a house in Podok Indah near JIS?

    I’m assuming you’re an Anglo-pilferer (Australian) because of your total lack of any decorum- far cruder than the worst hick Yank could muster.

    Liposuction will clear up that atypical fatty upper pubic area- so at least you’ll be able to see you’re knob for the first time since your twenties and it may look full-grown.

    An invaliant effort that failed miserably. Ask your screw to loosen your shackles, convict, the blood ‘s pooling away from your brain.

  5. Achmad Sudarsono says:

    Um, nice try, Purba, sort of. Have we met each other in real life ?

    But I recommend seeing my post on insults for some technical tips on winding someone up.

    Also, maybe you could help me out.

    atypical upper pubic area

    Do you mean “gut” ?

    You also seem confused about whether or not Achmad is a middle-class Western English teacher or someone renting a house in Pondok Indah near JIS.

    Friend, Achmad is a poet, ukuele player, dangdut singer and pencak silat master.

    Merdeka !

  6. Aluang Anak Bayang says:

    LOL @ Achmad Sudarsono

    You may fool non-Indonesians and other pribumis like Cuk; but you can’t get past a Javanese. Some dumb Bules can’t even thought you are English, but I have been in Oz land long enough to recognise your vocabulary.

  7. Achmad Sudarsono says:

    Aluang,

    As Sun Tzu said, know your enemy. When we invade Australia we’ll need administrators to rule. Maybe, if Purba (what’s a Javanese doing with a Batak name, anyway??), calms down we’ll give him a job as a policeman so he can live out his sexual fantasy of beating up Bules.

    Merdeka !

    Va Va Voom !

  8. dewaratugedeanom says:

    What’s wrong with that Purba wanker? A priyayi on steroids? Overdose of testosteron?

  9. Achmad Sudarsono says:

    I think under-dose

  10. Aluang Anak Bayang says:

    Maybe, if Purba (what’s a Javanese doing with a Batak name, anyway??), …

    If used as a name, he is a Batak; but Purba Negoro is not a name.

  11. Lairedion says:

    Purba Negoro reminds me a bit of Dragonwall. Joining discussions with immediately foul mouthing and name calling. There’s only one difference. Dragonwall never lost a discussion…

  12. Tony says:

    All Hail Achmad!

    Dude, you’re a stud

  13. Achmad Sudarsono says:

    Thanks, Tone.

    With my tricks, and Picking Up Chicks in Malls II (soon to come), you can be too.

    Grrrrr…owl !

  14. Rob says:

    Achmad…

    How much longer have we gotta wait for the next round of tips?

    When is this invasion happening! I will need to organize my affairs and prepare to head back to my homeland and marshall the forces to bundle your arse all the way back to Purbolingo πŸ˜€

    By the way I have not seen PN around the traps lately. A flurry of posts and then disappeared…Oh well!

  15. Lairedion says:

    Rob,

    A whole bunch of well-known IM commenters seem to have disappeared:

    – iamisaid
    – dragonwall
    – Mohammed Khafi (one comment last week and now gone again)
    – Aluang Anak Bayang (one comment last week and now gone again)

    What a pity. All these guys gave some diversity to IM in their own distinctive ways. C’mon guys, come back, we miss you!

  16. Achmad Sudarsono says:

    Laire,

    They’ve probably got real lives : P !

  17. Lairedion says:

    Achmad,

    Probably you’re right.

    Still I miss the sarcasm of AAB, the peace and love of MK, the baiting fish dragonwall and the archaic English of iamisaid…

  18. This is pretty hilarious stuff. Achmad are you a real dude or is this some sort of Borat type thing?

  19. Adam says:

    Oke Achmad

    I can see your problem here. You are getting your ‘pick up’ lines mixed up with your ‘hang onto’ lines as you did state that your intention was to find a replacement istri or three.

    So clearly if you have done and continue to trawl the myriad of malls thoughout tanah air looking for those special 3, you clearly need to brush up on your ‘hang onto’ lines as mentioned. ‘Pick up’ lines just don’t seem to be doing it for you.

    Nasib terbaik old son. πŸ™‚

  20. Adam says:

    Oh btw Achmad,

    If you are going to invade the land of Aussie, could you please bring a couple of cases of Bintang with you. I haven’t had one for about 15 years and I do miss it dreadfully.

    Good chap, I’ll light the bbq in preparation. πŸ™‚

  21. Oigal says:

    Johnny.. We can’t afford the real Borat so we have to do with Crocodile and old order supporter and pasty bule Assmad πŸ™‚

  22. Danny says:

    Great article!! lol..

    Another tip, the best day to hunt is Friday (nothing’s wrong with the other days though), don’t know why, maybe because they wanted someone for Saturday night πŸ˜‰

  23. nonstopsexmachinesixitynine says:

    Achmad your system had turned my life around I have been getting sweet poon tangs non stop right now a woman is pleasuring me with her mouth as I type this message to you. Your system of picking up hot babes works if you don’t believe this will work for you stop having sex with your blow up doll and then try this system for yourself it will get you laid every night. I promise you there no way
    you won’t see results. Also start a band Chicks love bands no matter how bad you sound it doesn’t matter how much you suck at all it just about lookin’ SMOKIN’ HOT wearing eyeliner and other make-up products like lip stick. Play hair hair metal because Chiciks love bon Jovi and stuff like that Posion, Guns and Roses so on and so fourth.Listen to everything Mystrey from Mtv’s Pickup artist has to say because he and Achmad are walking Holy Bibles of Epic Proportions of Meeting and most importantly Picking up the ladies to cummenese the launchin’ and landin’ of your inrternantional space love rocket of love.
    I am About to Make sweet Love To This beautiful women thank you achmad I recommened your system to others if it worked for me it will work for you Achamd has guaranteed results of his superior knowledege of scoring and turning you yes you into a sex magent like a tiger who was locked up in a cage but burst free ferocious and with a ragin’ boner in a sexually frenzy humpin’ non-stop anything and everything in sight that is a female or closely resembles a female.

  24. nonstopsexmachinesixitynine says:

    Winning the hearts of Young Ladies

  25. BrotherMouzone says:

    @nonstopsexmachinesixitynine

    I am About to Make sweet Love To This beautiful women thank you achmad I recommened your system to others if it worked for me it will work for you Achamd has guaranteed results of his superior knowledege of scoring and turning you yes you into a sex magent like a tiger who was locked up in a cage but burst free ferocious and with a ragin’ boner in a sexually frenzy humpin’ non-stop anything and everything in sight that is a female or closely resembles a female.

    I really don’t know what to say… I feel like there should be links to a p0rn site somewhere in your comment – or at least the very least to a Viagra pharmacy.

    Do you make a living writing spam emails, by any chance?

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